The Pitch And Putt Pitch
"Hey! You! Mr. Producer- here' some remakes for ya (seeing as your too busy tooting dust to make something original ya bastard!)."
Kill Roy - A daytime chat show descends into bloody violence. (Contains Chop Sockky).
Yo! Seventh Seal - a modern remake spoken entirely in 'Jive'.
Sleeping With The Bellamy - a steamy sex thriller set in the world of environmentalism.
Lorraine Kelly's Heroes - GMTV presenters and Nazis.
W.H.Smith Goes To Washington - life-affirming political intrigue in the stationery business.
Ice Cold In Alex - life-affirming screwball nercophiliac rom-com.
Dr. Dre-vargo - hip-hop version of the Russian epic.
The Dead Pool - with Michael Barrymore.
Yeast is Yeast - microbrewery capers.
Laurence of Arabica -Technicolor homoerotica set in the coffee business.
Jumble Fever - the W.I. get down in the 'hood'.
Three Colours: Brown - very dull remake.
Heavens, Gates! - being the comedy mishaps of the Microsoft CEO.
The T'ing - West Indian remake of the horror classic.
Shit Cargo! - glossy depression-era set musical in which dazzling cinematography is burdened with the task of carrying the films three woefully untalented co-stars.
The Patient English - a cine-verite treatment of queuing
Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 5
Amelie (2001)
Tuck your napkin in, your about to feast - Jason 'Voodoo Rea.
Quite simply a delight, one of the best films I've seen, ever, I challenge anyone to watch this and not feel moved. This film is chocked full of brilliant quotes and wonderful understanding of life. "Luck is like the Tour de France, you wait and it flashes past you, you have to catch it while you can" The French do this and we do 4 weddings......erm. magnifique! A film so wonderful it will make you feel a better person afterwards, not many films do that. PB
The Italian Job (2003)
Why?
I finally succumbed to watching this as I had feared that it was yet another mindless remake, butchering yet another great film. Well I'm pleased to say that it isn't. Not quite. Why they called it 'The Italian Job' is beyond me as it bears very little resemblance to the original.
The story is completely different. It has minis (new ones not the originals, how apt), characters called Charlie Croker, Bridger, and a gridlock caused by changing the traffic lights but that's about it. Even the bits in Italy are set in Venice not Turin.
For these reasons I quite enjoyed it, it's not bad. Ed Norton wanders around looking like he's been forced to play a stereotypical baddie, (he was, contractually by the studio, so he subsequently refused to promote it), and I have to question whether Marky Mark has the star quality to play a stand alone lead. Michael Caine he ain't - and I think that that about sums it up. It's not the Italian job, it's a rather pail imitation, not quite a homage, not quite good enough. Nice idea, but watch the original. Now that is brilliant. PB
Bad Boys 2 (2003)
'Woah, cool stuff blows up, woah'. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Bruckheimer comes ever closer in his ultimate goal to make a film a 2 hour trailer of itself. All the stereotypes are here: buddy cops - check, angry boss - check, disregard for rules - check, great scenery - check, beautiful women - check, ruthless criminals - check, fast cars - check, drugs are bad - check, in particular ecstasy, how 1988, Americans hey?
Whilst on the topic of Americans it's the nasty anti-Cuban sentiments that spoil this film. It bobs along nicely asking nothing of you but clap at the explosions then it comes down with all the lack of subtlety of say, a Bruckheimer film for example of aren't Cubans evil. This culminates in a final scene at Guantanamo Bay, yes that's the place in Cuba that America takes people without a trial and locks them up with no reason and keeps them there indefinitely contradicting all human rights.
But you see that's Ok as it's done by Americans and they're the heroes and they Police the world and they're only looking after our best interests. If they want to show real heroes then maybe they should do a film about people that are trying to campaign to get people out of these prisons and back to there loved ones.
We here at Pitch and Putt are big fans of El Presidente and say don't, I say, don't - don't - don't - believe - the- hype, in fact don't bother with this nasty piece of mindless brain candy that turns into more filthy untrue propaganda. You can do better; watch paint dry. PB
Equilibrium (2002)
A Pitch and Putt 'I watched 10 minutes of this and went and did something more interesting instead' review.
The plot: in the future we are bored in to submission, I acquiesced.
To prepare. You will need 1 rugged Sheffield actor. One son of Dr Who And one American Psycho.
Take a Fahrenheit 451, mix in a slice of Logan's Run, add to a large 1984.
Bring to the boil, then add a portion of Brave New World, sprinkle heavily with The Matrix. Serve lukewarm.
Leave.
PB
War of the Worlds (2005)
Spring is the same for everyone and famous directors are no exception to the rule of cleaning. As such Mr. Spielberg is on an enforced clean of the house by 'her in doors' stumbles across a piece of paper he thought long lost.
His 'how to make a successful film' sheet, scribbled on the back of a beer mat.
" Show breakdown of the nuclear family that is resolved in the face of overwhelming odds. "
Aliens - cute or dangerous - alternate for effect!
" Set it in 50's America, or something resembling that, to re address the core family values. "
Show innocence in face of terror - through the eyes of a small child, girl, blonde ideally, signifying most innocence per square inch. Get to scream a lot, like audience!
" Main character finds inner strength to be hero through massive adversity, overcoming through struggle. "
Blow stuff up.
With found sheet safely in grasp Mr. S sets off to follow old pattern and make great Spielberg film. Overall - Spielberg does Spielberg better than anyone, and he doesn't even have to feel the need to explain the plot to the audience every 5 minutes for once, which is a blessing. Although I think there may be a few people who didn't follow the ending.
For those people the tiny things they show that defeats the aliens, that's tiny particles of Tom Cruises sweat. Look out for DVD extras- They include shots of the Aliens trying to take over Britain and failing miserably after being taunted mercilessly as 'soft' and 'yer green Bastards' and made to drink strong continental lager. PB
Tuck your napkin in, your about to feast - Jason 'Voodoo Rea.
Quite simply a delight, one of the best films I've seen, ever, I challenge anyone to watch this and not feel moved. This film is chocked full of brilliant quotes and wonderful understanding of life. "Luck is like the Tour de France, you wait and it flashes past you, you have to catch it while you can" The French do this and we do 4 weddings......erm. magnifique! A film so wonderful it will make you feel a better person afterwards, not many films do that. PB
The Italian Job (2003)
Why?
I finally succumbed to watching this as I had feared that it was yet another mindless remake, butchering yet another great film. Well I'm pleased to say that it isn't. Not quite. Why they called it 'The Italian Job' is beyond me as it bears very little resemblance to the original.
The story is completely different. It has minis (new ones not the originals, how apt), characters called Charlie Croker, Bridger, and a gridlock caused by changing the traffic lights but that's about it. Even the bits in Italy are set in Venice not Turin.
For these reasons I quite enjoyed it, it's not bad. Ed Norton wanders around looking like he's been forced to play a stereotypical baddie, (he was, contractually by the studio, so he subsequently refused to promote it), and I have to question whether Marky Mark has the star quality to play a stand alone lead. Michael Caine he ain't - and I think that that about sums it up. It's not the Italian job, it's a rather pail imitation, not quite a homage, not quite good enough. Nice idea, but watch the original. Now that is brilliant. PB
Bad Boys 2 (2003)
'Woah, cool stuff blows up, woah'. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Bruckheimer comes ever closer in his ultimate goal to make a film a 2 hour trailer of itself. All the stereotypes are here: buddy cops - check, angry boss - check, disregard for rules - check, great scenery - check, beautiful women - check, ruthless criminals - check, fast cars - check, drugs are bad - check, in particular ecstasy, how 1988, Americans hey?
Whilst on the topic of Americans it's the nasty anti-Cuban sentiments that spoil this film. It bobs along nicely asking nothing of you but clap at the explosions then it comes down with all the lack of subtlety of say, a Bruckheimer film for example of aren't Cubans evil. This culminates in a final scene at Guantanamo Bay, yes that's the place in Cuba that America takes people without a trial and locks them up with no reason and keeps them there indefinitely contradicting all human rights.
But you see that's Ok as it's done by Americans and they're the heroes and they Police the world and they're only looking after our best interests. If they want to show real heroes then maybe they should do a film about people that are trying to campaign to get people out of these prisons and back to there loved ones.
We here at Pitch and Putt are big fans of El Presidente and say don't, I say, don't - don't - don't - believe - the- hype, in fact don't bother with this nasty piece of mindless brain candy that turns into more filthy untrue propaganda. You can do better; watch paint dry. PB
Equilibrium (2002)
A Pitch and Putt 'I watched 10 minutes of this and went and did something more interesting instead' review.
The plot: in the future we are bored in to submission, I acquiesced.
To prepare. You will need 1 rugged Sheffield actor. One son of Dr Who And one American Psycho.
Take a Fahrenheit 451, mix in a slice of Logan's Run, add to a large 1984.
Bring to the boil, then add a portion of Brave New World, sprinkle heavily with The Matrix. Serve lukewarm.
Leave.
PB
War of the Worlds (2005)
Spring is the same for everyone and famous directors are no exception to the rule of cleaning. As such Mr. Spielberg is on an enforced clean of the house by 'her in doors' stumbles across a piece of paper he thought long lost.
His 'how to make a successful film' sheet, scribbled on the back of a beer mat.
" Show breakdown of the nuclear family that is resolved in the face of overwhelming odds. "
Aliens - cute or dangerous - alternate for effect!
" Set it in 50's America, or something resembling that, to re address the core family values. "
Show innocence in face of terror - through the eyes of a small child, girl, blonde ideally, signifying most innocence per square inch. Get to scream a lot, like audience!
" Main character finds inner strength to be hero through massive adversity, overcoming through struggle. "
Blow stuff up.
With found sheet safely in grasp Mr. S sets off to follow old pattern and make great Spielberg film. Overall - Spielberg does Spielberg better than anyone, and he doesn't even have to feel the need to explain the plot to the audience every 5 minutes for once, which is a blessing. Although I think there may be a few people who didn't follow the ending.
For those people the tiny things they show that defeats the aliens, that's tiny particles of Tom Cruises sweat. Look out for DVD extras- They include shots of the Aliens trying to take over Britain and failing miserably after being taunted mercilessly as 'soft' and 'yer green Bastards' and made to drink strong continental lager. PB
Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 4 Star Crash & The Humanoid
Star Crash (1979) & The Humanoid (1979)
So, seasonal affective disorder is kicking in, your feeling suicidal and in need of a good laugh - if you can track them down (try a car boot sale or a charity shop), then these two gems should have you laughing all the way to the Leeds in no time.
Actually, you'll be laughing at them, not with them or even towards them, as this brace of Star Wars rip off's are pretty damn terrible. Cheesoid special 'FX', risible dialogue and incomprehensible plots make this double bill quite a treat. Star Crash, boasts non other than Christopher Plummer and Bond Bird Caroline Munroe (whose character is called 'Stella Star'!) and (lol) David Hasslehoff while The Humanoid stars more Bond cast off's in the shape of Barbara Bach and man giant Richard Kiel with music by non other than Ennio Morricone (for shame!)
Here's the 'plot' for The Humanoid (which I've shamelessly stolen)
Plot: Lord Graal, the evil brother of the Great Brother who rules Metropolis (as Earth is now known), escapes from exile. He steals the substance Capitron from a research institute and fires it at the spaceship of the peaceful police inspector Golob, mutating him into a super-strong humanoid that is invulnerable to all firepower. Graal then places a control device on Golob's forehead and sends him to kill The Great Brother.
- get the gist? No me neither. There's also some creepy Asian kid with psychic powers, and a crappy robot 'dog' that's obviously supposed to be R2-D2. The only decent thing is the out door sets, that look quite groovy in a Tatooine 'desert planet' kind of way.
And the dialogue is a treat, check this from Richard Kiel …." Where in the Cosmos did that space jockey get his licence?"- Eh?
I can't think of any excuse as to why Star Crash is so bad, unless it was made by children. Munroe's co-star, Akton (isn't that in London?) looks like Geddy Lee, and there's a pain the arse robot called L.
Chris Plummer looks like he's been kidnapped and drugged in order to spout the awful dialogue, until you realise he's actually trying to act well. JC
Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 3
Meet The Feebles (1989)
...more like Meet Your Childhood Demons… Not an easy film by any stroke of the imagination. A film directed by the man that somehow made the transition from B movie gore filth 'Brain Dead' via MTF's to possibly the biggest high budget movie series ever. 'Lord of the Rings'. MTF is the story of …….well a cabaret show looking to make it big by producing a hit performance that will ensure them a TV network syndication. The characters in this film have been likened to The Muppets taking acid. Although I have never seen a Muppet take acid, having watched this film I have seen a frog injecting heroin, a walrus fucking a cat, a cow in a bondage suit (will all the teat piercing) and a female hippo with enormous breast running amok with an M60 machine gun. Jackson has redefined poor taste by filming scenes with 'Muppet' type puppets that would never, ever, be passed by censors if this were to include human beings. Jackson savagely attacks and perfectly captures the world of the 'stage.' No one is spared, from the camp theatrically obsessed director (a fox whose crowning 'glory' is the sodomy song…) the brutal and merciless producer ( a walrus with an insatiable sexual appetite) right down to the variety hack (quite literally a fly on the wall, captured perfectly gorging on a lumpy shit floating in the toilet.) The characters are savage, morbid, tragic and vile - and yet somehow depicted with a Henson like humanity that will leave you very, very, very disturbed. Make time for this film, but prepare to be traumatised. - Jason Rea.
Dreamcatcher (2003)
Starring: Morgan Freeman, Thomas Jane, Jason Lee, Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant It was one of them Blockbuster moments you have with your girlfriend, "you pick a film". - " no you pick, I picked last time". " I'm not bothered, you pick something". Truth is I'd seen most of the good stuff, and being a little hung over wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, and besides, we usually did end up picking something I wanted to see. So, not wanting things to escalate I picked up Dreamcatcher out of desperation because she'd started reading the back of 'Love Actually'.
I'll have to admit I didn't have a clue about Dreamcatcher, it had gone completely un-noticed by my film radar, so I thought 'what the fuck, I'll give it a day in court'. So it was something of a surprise when I popped the disk into the machine and realised that this was a Stephen King adaptation (are people still fool enough to make Stephen King films?), but it had Morgan Freeman in it, and he'd never lend his skills to a shoddy production would he? It started off fine, with quite a good premise - 4 old school buds who all have a telepathic 'gift', which they use in their current careers as car sales men and psychiatrists and, erm university lecturers. That's when the alarm bells rang. Don't trust a Stephen King story that starts off good, he'll only ruin it by going all weird!
Needless to say that's exactly what happened, after half an hour the plot descended into one of the cheesiest B-movies I'd seen in years. Complete hokum: aliens, monsters, cheesy 'FX'- the lot. The dialogue was awful and the acting bad. Morgan Freeman mustn't have read past page 5 of the script. And hang on, this looks familiar: a bunch of characters who share a 'secret from the past' ( "It"), scenes of school kids wandering down a railway line ('Stand By Me'), ands the fate of the world resting in the hands of the most unlikely character ("The Stand").
Now I'm no expert on King's oeuvre, so there must be some more stuff I missed. To be fair, King admits (in one of the DVD extras), that he wrote this whilst he was recovering from being run over, and I haven't read the book, but…. The script was co-penned by William Goldman and Lawrence Kasdan (who also directs) who between them have brought us Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi (Kasdan) and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Marathon Man and A Bridge Too Far (Goldman). Tut, fucking tut. A good laugh, but wait till it crops up on channel 5. JC
Virus: Night Of The Zombies (1981)
...aka Inferno Dei Morti-Viventi, aka Cannibal Virus, aka Hell of the Living Dead, aka Zombie Creeping Flesh, aka Zombie Inferno, aka Zombie of the Savanna, aka A Steaming Pile O' Crap.
Italy / Spain Directed by: Vincent Dawn (Bruno Mattei) Starring: Zantoro........FRANK GARFIELD Lia Rousseau........MARGRIT NEWTON Lt. Mike London........SELAN KARAY
This is a real treat for schlock horror aficionado's and as you can tell by its many different names it has been repackaged and re-released numerous times , probably because the release rights where sold for 50p (and they still made money after production costs!), however this overwhelming cheapness does give the film the look of a serial killers home movie, which adds, somewhat, to the over-all experience.
The plot, from what I can decipher (and it is dubbed into English), revolves around a bunch of scientists doing some experiments; something goes awry and everyone turns into Zombies! Then there's a bit with some terrorists who get blown away by the shonkyest looking S.W.A.T. team ever, ( Dialogue: "Don't get your balls wasted"??).
Next thing we know the S.W.A.T. team are in Papua New Guinea, for some reason, and there's Zombies! here too. They meet a reporter and her photographer, who bears an uncanny resemblance to George A. Romero (coinci-dink??). They all team up and bump into some stock footage of Natives and Monkeys and stuff. The reporter says she's lived with the natives and knows how to 'mingle', so she gets her tits out, paints her face and goes for a wander. She comes across a village filled with stock footage of REAL corpses, dancing tribe folk, some animal being eviscerated, more dancing, corpses and monkeys and even, in a bit of blatant editing manipulation, a local woman apparently eating maggots from a rotting skull.
She gets back to her chums, puts her tits away and everyone gets eaten by Zombies!
The End.
That's it, honest! Go buy/download it if you don't believe me. Oh, the music's ok, by Italian horror soundtrack perennials 'Goblin'.
In a word: Repugnant. JC
Pitch & Putt Archive - Movie Reviews part 2 Clash Of Warlords
Clash Of Warlords (????)Not to be confused with Zhou Yu's Chinese Epic of the same name, (in fact not to be confused with any film ever made), this is one of those truly great video's that I urge you to buy if ever you see it. I can't tell you anything about who directed it, what year it was made (late 70's or 80's), or even were it was made, as there are no credits. Its most definitely 'foreign' but it's probably Asian or South American. The 'story' line is pretty much indecipherable, but it's a sort of Star Wars / Mad Max affair, replete with the crummiest 'light sabre's' in history and 'battle tanks' that look like shopping trolleys with card board tubes attached. I promise you'll be paralysed by its shitness, but trust me this has to be seen to be believed. At one point the Villain (your standard Vader-esque evil dooer in mask and cape), is tied to a stake, at night, (I think the Moon gives him powers or something), anyway, he starts to spaz out, crying:
"The Moon! Give it to me…. I'll cover it…. I'll cover it in Blood!"
Watching this are two Guards who observe….
Guard #1 "He's crazy"
Guard #2 "He ain't crazy, he's insane"
Guard #1 "He should be in a cage"
A Masterpiece. JC
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