North West By Mid West : Ricc Terranova pt1

Hello and welcome to the 1st and maybe last (depending on the fucking control freaks that the pitch and putt officers are), column by the only stateside (US that is) member of Golf Harris. Paul asked me to write a column based on what it's like being a member of a rock band in the US. My band is called Death Valley Murmurs. We are an eclectic bunch of musicians who decided it was time to fucking rock out in Des Moines. So, we did. We got a set list together, rehearsed like fuck and went for gigs. I should add, we are all accomplished musicians who can play our mother fucking instruments pretty fucking well. We are also led by a Spastic Pirate whom scares people with his manic, how shall I say.....shit. So we went to get some gigs. Some would say this should be an easy task. We have music, band, you have stage, you want band to play music and get people to drink. Hmmmmm - somehow this didn't happen. For some reason, an original band getting gigs in Des Moines is akin to
going to Debenhams and asking for a nice side of beef. Or an oil and filter change. Nevertheless, we persisted and got gigs at a
fucking shit spot called the Vaudeville Mews a "cabaret" joint in Des Moines (sorry, that fucking splits my side - they're trying to
be fucking upscale in Des Moines) that doesn't even do drink specials, caters to a sad fucking indie crowd of shoe-gazing cunts,
and doesn't give the band free booze without a fight.

Fuck that shit.

However, one good thing is that the club gets lots of fucking hot chicks that eat up fucking rock. All the indie boys are scared away
though. I nearly got in a fight with one cunt at a bar last week cos he was talking shit about our singer. He is a skinny little fuck called Dameon who thinks he's cool COs he has a Rasta cut and plays bass in a band called Aholic. They are, to be blunt, shit, I
was wishing Buzzer was there with me at one point. Not COs I was scared but I would have just laughed at the way Buzzer would have
twatted him. So we are continuing to rock Des Moines. We are getting good
reviews, no doubt. We are loud and proud that we fucking rock. I
have found the best drummer I have ever met, a guy named Jeremy Morse. He is fucking sweet on the drums. Anyway, does anyone want to know what I'm listening to? No, thought not - - - ---- well:

Black Sabbath - Master of Reality
Black Label Society - Blessed Hell Ride
Led Zeppelin - How the west was won
Tool - Lateralus
Warrior Soul - Last Decade Dead Century
Wagner - Parsifal
Andrew Keeling - Quickening the Dead
My neighbours shit techno (not thru choice)

Oh - and if you want to check our shit out we're at

What am I drinking??

Beck's Oktoberfest
London Pride

Ok. Drunken recipe time. If you, by any chance, get back from the bar at 2 a.m. and are hungry but too broke for a take out, here is a simple recipe for pasta that will block your fucking guts till morning:

· get some pasta going
· get a fucking jar of pesto
· balance yourself on and between countertops in the fucking kitchen
· drain pasta once it's cooked
· dump in a spoonful of pesto
· stir it up
· serve
· watch some telly while eating
· kick the drunk bitch out once your guitarist has gotten his end away in your mates bathroom (props Paul)
· don't let the Dr. fuck a fat bitch in your bed
· go to bed

- RT