Only on the day will you find out if this challenge as been excepted.
Its amazing how times flown and how many threats of violence by Patrick Kagoul I've received between reports, I didn't think I'd done very much apart from work recently out here in the third world, however there seems to be a lot more going on than I thought, so heres a quick update:
Went to an Australian No Rules Football game on the weekend - The Presidents lunch actually (I don't do prole class at sporting events in Australia - simple reason - the general public only get 'light' beer and what is sport without booze?). There was a vast number of B-Grade celebrities, news readers that sort of thing the only one that anyone outside of Australia may have heard of is Michael Gudinsky, then again maybe not - he's head of Mushroom records - or at least used to be - you know they get a mention on the end of the Neighbours credits.
Bought a BBQ - well I say bought, it was more thrust upon me as it was 'a bargain'- great, apart from the fact that we live in a flat, still, I supposed that's what balconies are for. It is truly an Aussie male magnet - especially as not only is it a BBQ but it is also a Eskey/Cooler - not the Steve McQueen kind - the type you keep beer in, http://www.salton.com.au/brands/fireice.html so held my first Aussie barbie, unfortunately we didn't have any shrimps on it, sausages and tofu - who bbqs tofu? Apparently we do!!!
Went to Moonah links - home of Australian Golf, didn't play, (was an extortionate amount and I'm no Tiger Woods), didn't even ride a golf cart - so a bit poor, did however get the notion of buying into a race horse - we as a group get to name it so any suggestions would be much appreciated - I'm thinking along the lines of 'Glue' or 'Pet Food' related names.
Saw Ash in a pub, playing not drinking; was brilliant full on metal mayhem - very happy with that
Went to Brisbane and watched Australia beat England at Rugby, no surprises looking at the team, good night all the same, very easy to confuse Australians with singing and particularly enjoyed the abuse from the aussies who didn't realise we don't really mind losing that much if there's still beer available.
Went home, saw The Mighty Golf Harris in concert, not one of their finest hours but that's what happens when yours-truly is on the desk. Was great to be home even for a week - stock up on all the stuff I miss being down here; penguins, pickled onion Monster Munch, Home and Away, chips and gravy and money that's worth more than Monopoly money. Went to a wedding, don't go to many weddings, but was novelty to go to someone's second wedding, having been best man at the first -this was a much better effort! Congratulation Mr and Mrs B!!!
On the plane home had possibly the worst series of movies to show on a plane that don't involve planes:
The Butterfly effect - death, death death, abuse, violence, mutilation, more death.
Into Thin Air - a nice pleasant little number after the previous.
House of Sand and Fog - I expected kitchen sink drama, more traumatic viewing thanks to Ben Kingsly!!
21 Grams - See Butterfly effect.
By the end of 24 hours in the air I was paralysed with fear and hoping for Alive or a September 11 documentary - I refuse to bow to Americanisms and say 9/11 as that's in November!
Completed the upgrade on my hi-fi, it's the best its ever sounded - its like being granted a whole new CD and record collection (For the record, Arcam CD82, Cyrus 8 amp with PSXR external power supply, PMC2 speakers, Ariston 8 turntable with Lynn BasikIV , Rega cart and some fancy cables and stuff).
Strange thought the other night - rather than have warnings on cigarette packets saying smoking kills and having adverts on the TV showing arteries full of gunk and lungs full of tar, they should play 'Something In The Way She Moves' and say if George Harrison hadn't smoked he'd still be alive and writing songs like that, although in all likely-hood more likely it'd be another Travelling Wilburies album. Must be others that could be put the packets too, er… "Smoking Killed Roy Castle." ? Maybe not then!!
Until next time, stay off the moors!
IT Aug 2004
Where else in the world can you drive or ride along a Grand Prix track on the way to work every day (well Monaco, Canada, er.. probably a few more too) but its great to go flying round the track at Albert Park with all the stands up and tyre walls, I feel like Michael Schumacher every day except he's going down the straight at 200MPH in a Ferrari and I'm doing 10 on the push-iron. Some claim that doing this is bad for the environment and spoils the park, it probably does but ask me, Daz or Kenny who have $600 tickets to the stand on the first corner if I really care! Two weeks to go and to quote a famous Australian cleaning product salesman - "I'm excited!"
Well it's my favourite time of the year here, when the drought of international music breaks and there is a sudden flood of talent pouring into the country for the 'Big Day Out' festival. Some claim that at 32 I'm far too old for this sort of thing, but I love it -this year promised to be a absolute scorcher and I certainly wasn't disappointed.
First up were all girl rock band from Sydney Skulker who made a decent racket and there's definitely something to be said about rock chicks with low-slung guitars.
Next up were Fear Factory who really are a proper metal band and certainly did their best to scare the kiddies.
From proper metal to… not sure how serious a band they really are but The Darkness certainly didn't disappoint, they pulled off a perfect show and they certainly have all the moves and I was impressed by Justin telling the crowd that his finest achievement was getting a song that includes a word I shall refer only to as '2868', played on Radio 1 (Get Your Hands Off My Woman). Strangely I came away a little under whelmed - I think maybe if it wasn't mid afternoon in the middle of a field they would've impressed more or maybe it was because I'd seen all the original Zep, Queen, Maiden. Will be very interesting to see where they go from here.
Next up were The Black Eyed Peas who, rather than struggling to follow The Darkness did an absolutely
champion job of getting the crowd up and dancing unfortunately the crowd consisted of an awful lot of Simply Red loving MOR types who other album purchase of the year was Nora Jones' album coz it won a billionGrammy's (speaking of Grammy's that bloke from Pop Idol won a lifetime achievement award - WTF for?), thankfully they seemed to all disappear quickly. Anyway they rocked; there were big velvet suits, break dancing and Justin Darknesscranking out a solo on Lets Get Retarded - comparisonsof Ed Van Halen with Jackson?
Went over to the dance tent and checked out the end of Salmonella Dub - who flatmate Karen has played round the house a lot and of whom I can't remember much about but they're a NZ dub/hip hop type thing- I liked it, after that were Audio Bullies - who seemed to be pretty much as annoying as that other London ejit 'The Streets'.
Saw a bit of Melbourne hip-hop trio 1200 Techniques who are definitely good value and who's album will definitely check out - oh and who was that stood at the side of the stage - several of the 'Peas and Wayne Coyne!
The Dandy Warhols - a band I feel I really should like but for some reason I just feel really indifferent towards them.
Muse followed them and absolutely blew me away, most definitely the loudest band of the day and really hit the spot, what with that funny Close Encounter's keyboard lighting thing. Really regret not getting ticket to their own gig, thought that seeing them at BDO would be enough, let me quote from local press review, "The crowd had just witnessed the best live band in the world put on the best show this reviewer has ever seen." Doh!
The Strokes just wanted to be somewhere else, Metallica did actually make me feel old as the average age was about 12 and Basement Jaxx were top and played a rendition of the White Stripes Seven Nation Army.
Ahhh, the Flaming Lips, whenever there's a Lips gig the sun shines a little brighter, saw them at the BDO (instead of most of Metallica - worried it might be a mistake, how wrong was I) and then again later in the week - giant balloons, confetti, a plethora of animal costumes, fake blood, video back drops, fish eye camera on the mike stand, glove puppets -a children's party for muso's and then the music, highlights for me were 'Yoshmi' and 'Do You Realise' - which alternately brings a smile or tear to the eye and then a rendition of White Christmas, Happy Birthday, their version of Seven Nation Army (complete with tales of replacing The White Stripes at T In The Park) and "Thank You Jack White For The Fibre-Optic Jesus." Awesome! Add to that a tribute to Elliot Smith, whom Drodz was a good mate of and the sound mixer was the engineer for and it truly was a great gig. But don't take my word for it read Kilphs tour diary at http://www.flaminglips.com/main.php
How do you top that? Not sure you can but last week I went to see to see The Pretenders, The Wailers (minus Bob) and Bryan Ferry at the Music and Blues festival and they were all actually a lot better than I expected, The Wailers just sounded like a decent covers band although they were definitely into the spirit of the thing - the bin bag of herb they (allegedly) had backstage may have helped as for Bryan Ferry - It was like a Tom Jones gig - I was surrounded by ecstatic 50 year old women - like Take That for old people, I feared I may be ripped to pieces or trampled in the stampede to get to Bryan with his fop hair and shiny suit. Give the man his dues it was a great show, he played all the classics and had a great band a bit MOR though.
Speaking of Middle of the road, could up for a week of it, so more from Melbourne next time (hopefully) and maybe even something unrelated to gigs…
Been a long time once again since my last report but if you spent your days chained to a computer spewing forth documents that make as much sense to the average person as the average Styx album (See here for interpretation … http://www.styxnet.com/styxlyrics/roboto.htm ), then the last thing you would want to do when you got home is write when there's so many better things to do like… well anything really!
For those that hadn't noticed Christmas has come and thankfully gone for another year. Apart from the fact I was very happy with the number of free Christmas booze ups I managed to attend, I shall say no more than that - its not that it went badly I just don't hold the level of excitement for Christmas that others do.
Pre-Crimbus went to Meredith music festival -one Pat Kagoul has previously graced with his presence, however he could not be coaxed to perform - he claimed it due to issue with visa however it was more likely due to his inability to stand - poor none the less as that has never phased Lemmy and he's 58!
Standard festival M.O. - field middle of nowhere alternate between rain, standard poor fodder, intoxicants of choice until all coherence is list. Highlights of the weekend Mcluskey -Irish apparently, The Cat Empire - Previously mentioned, came on at 3am after Radio birdman (see crap bits) and DJ Dexter - in tent by the time he made the stage at 4am. Tim Rogers - still great. Also one of our party battling with their own drug enhanced demons - Still waiting for my letter of apology!!
Crap bits - Apparent 'Oz legends Radio birdman', Sleepy Jackson -still shit, Bob Log III - http://www.boblog111.com the Frank Sidebottom of blues.
This weekend brings the long weekend - Australia Day - whatever that means - does anyone care? Not as long as they get to drink beer rather than work on Monday (see Queens Birthday holiday!) That means Big Day Out Festival - and with the weakening US dollar they can afford to get some good acts - my day looks thus… The Darkness, The Datsuns, Black Eyed Peas, 1200 Techniques, Muse, ACDC(Sorry I mean Jet), Kings of Leon, The Mars Volta, The Strokes, Metallica and then torn between Flaming Lips and Basement Jaxx - got tickets for Flaming lips later in the week anyway.
Talking of tickets - discovered I have an odd trait when it comes to buying tickets that I don't have a remotely relaxed attitude to ticket purchasing - I'm sat hitting the refresh key for about 10 minutes before the tickets go on sale and re-dialling the ticket agency in case there is a sudden influx of calls that crashes the computer system and the phone lines - it's a very tense moment for me - thus when the Radiohead tickets went on sale and it took me fifteen minutes to get through I was almost hysterical - however I generally have more success - thus I have ticket numbers three and four for The Flaming Lips (not that it matters as its general admission).
Busier than Saddam Hussein's travel agent at the moment, doing the work of 4 people because of holidays, paternity leave and my
boss's absence- again! - Having only just come back from what was in effect a 3-week drinking tour of the Americas
(where for the record he spent more money in 1 night in Santiago on booze than we did in two weeks all up - Good work fella),
he has disappeared off to do the same thing in Africa.
Still, how can I wield a Peter Grant style cricket bat and the 'Harris if I can't sort my own affairs?
What can I say that hasn't already been said, this year I've seen Australia beaten by England twice on their home soil. I was up
in Sydney (or New Leeds as it has now been re-named) last week for the final and it was a case of 'spot the Australian' as we
had completely taken over the city.
Watched the game at a mates house - I was the only Englishman there, resplendent in my England top - me the least patriotic
man in the world - being on the opposite side of the world does funny things to you! Realised early on that most of the people
were Fed Police - all trained to use violence and weaponry - I was somewhat worried that it might get ugly and they might
employ some of that training on me, thankfully they refrained and only locked me out in the garden at the end of the game.
Best think about the whole event was the PM "Big" Johnny Howard sulking at the award ceremony …
Kudos to Prince Harry - managed to pull one over on his old man - came over to here 'to work on a cattle station
.' However he seems to have managed to get to a lot of rugby games and be pictured mainly quaffing pints and
smoking tabs in Sydney all at the Australian taxpayers expense - hold on a moment that's me. The Bastard!
Supposed to be writing about the music scene down here so heres part 1:
If you want to get a recording contract claim to be from Melbourne ring the NME and bob's your uncle.
Quick guide to Australian bands seemingly "destined for world domination":
Jet - ACDC covers band - apparently saw them as support for The Vines - they were marginally better than
Vines who were poor - next Nirvana? Back to McDonalds with them both.
The Sleepy Jackson - Possibly worst live band I've ever seen.
You am I/ Tim Rogers - Very good
Avalanches - New album on the way
Ice Cream Hands - good, better live than on CD.
Rocket Science - apparently Supergrasses favourite band - top live.
The Cat Empire - bizarre but good check the web site: http://www.thecatempire.com.au/ce_stage_menu.html
Powederfinger - New album Vulture St rocks suitably hard
Guy Sebastian - Pop Idol winner probably on plane to London as you read this- born again Christian!
More as I think of them.
Having a music fest at the moment, got all the gear over from the UK so paying attention to the back catelog,
bought new CD player and speakers - is most excellent set gotta go -watching Live After Death on DVD - "Scream for me Longbeach!"
"You can take the boy put of Fleetwood, but you can't take Fleetwood
out of the boy," someone once said. It's nearly six years since I
took two taxis and got outta Dodge, but nothings changed, same old
shit just older and in a different city.
My birthday was last week, 32, celebrated in the traditional way by getting as drunk as is humanly possible.
Actually, I was by general agreement the most pissed man in Melbourne. Began with the intention of drinking
32 halves - made an excellent start - two fisted
drinking virtually from the start. However plans went astray very quickly -my fatal mistake of the night was
agreeing to drink whatever was put in front of me. After that my few recollections of night are; shot glasses,
something that tasted of Pernod and Whiskey
and something called a Cement Mixer (Baileys and Lemon Juice). I recall this one as I though it had cheese
or bread in it. Oh, and a vague memory of being a bit sick on a pavement somewhere.
From what I have been told since I was doing Father Jack impressions in an Irish pub. I sat next to someone
for half an hour that I have met several times and then turned to someone (who happened to be his girlfriend)
and asked "Who the fook was that?"
Bring on 33 I say.
Rugby fever here at the moment. Can't understand the rules that well, but the World Cup's on, England's
got the best chance - Ranked No 1 - when was the last time you can remember England ranked No. 1 in anything?
Went to see New Zealand v Canada. The Victorians (the state Melbourne is in - they have states rather than
counties - as they want to be American - more of that some other time), don't understand Rugby - they play
Australian Rules football, (www.afl.com.au -a silly game).
So it's easy to get tickets for the pool games and the majority of the crowd are ex-pats and tourists.
They don't usually serve 'full strength' beer at sporting events here, so the novelty value for the locals is
that they can buy real beer rather than the piss weak 'light'
or 'mid-strength' stuff which means that many of the locals who do go are absolutely wankered by half time.
Bizarre Australian Trait #1: Drive Through Off Licenses (or 'bottle shops' to use the local term). You are
unable to buy any kind of booze in a supermarket, however you can go to the drive through, and buy
12 bottles of vodka or a 'slab' of beer without even getting out of
your car. It is illegal to drink and drive but… surely this is more
of an encouragement than a deterrent?
Until next time . . . - IT
Well, I may have taken many many years to get round to doing it, but I've finally grasped the capitalist dream by the scruff of the pants and gone and done it; "Dear Mr. Taxman, I am now self employed. Please take my money away".
After years of doing shitty jobs, and years of avoiding shitty jobs (being in a band, going to university, the Dole (ahh, remember the days when all you had to do was sign on and feign an interest in work?), I finally came to the conclusion that climbing the corporate ladder wasn't for me. Call it an 'independent spirit', or call it 'being immature' but having a boss telling what to do never sat well with me, and seeing perfectly sane people spout 'office new-speak' made me want to vomit with rage, (you know the shit people spout in meetings - if I heard one more person say "going forward", or "lets think outside the box here people", I think I would have flung myself at them, grabbed their throats and screamed "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING? WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE IMPRESSING WITH THAT CORPORATE OFFICE CUNT SPEAK??"
So the only options I had left were,
A: To become a 'Homeless',
or B: To become a 'Self Employed'.
So, having abandoned drinking "mad white cider" years ago (see 'being on the Dole above'), I opted for plan B. But what to do? Paper-rounds don't pay well and not having a head for heights, being a window cleaner was out, so I decided to open a shop. I'd never worked in a shop before, unless you count 6 months on a Y.T.S. (those under 30: ask your parents), at a car parts shop in Fleetwood as experience, but I wasn't going to let that get in the way.
So first of all needed a name, so I asked my good friends from around the globe for suggestions. Here's what I got in return:
Crewdsons Unbelievably Naff Tatt
John's Not Mad
Snooper's Paradise 2
Alf's Mini Market
Pete's Pink Bicycle
Beard Of Satan
Bread Of Satan
Captain Jacket Shop
Kill All Tourists
Dr Johns House Of Bong
The Eccles Cake Shop
Ben Afleks Palace
Stanley Matthews Was Gay
Yate's Wine Lodge
6 For A Pound Yr Gas Lighter
Northern Fried Chicken
Can You Smell Onion?
Wheel Of Justice
Johns Old Tat You Don't Really Want But Will Buy Anyway
... my mum's suggestion was "A Mistake" - thanks mum.
So, as readers of this site may well know, the Pitch & Putt Shop was born (obvious really. I originally thought of opening either a book shop, a record shop, or a video shop, but, because I was in no position to compete with Waterstones or HMV, and I figured that there's no future in selling anything that can be downloaded on the internet, those options where out. So T-shirts was the thing, and, as anybody who lives in Blackpool knows, there's fuck all shops selling decent T's. Well not the kind of stuff I sell anyway.
I opened the doors to the public on the 3rd of July 2004, a Saturday, and the first thing I sold was "The horses neck", a book of Pete Townsend's poetry I got from a second hand shop years ago, I never finished reading it `cos it's absolute drivel, but a sales a sale, and to celebrate me and Paul Taylor cracked open the warm bottle of champagne he's graciously brought. I made a colossal £1.70 that day; thankfully it's got a lot better since.
Being situated on Blackpool's glorious Central Drive, (opposite "Andy's Tattoo's, Weed City and a few doors down from "Exxxxxtreme videos" (not to mention Blackpool's only Rangers FC bar 'The Union')), the shop does tend to attract weirdo's. in fact on the first day I got some cunt asking me to give HIM money! I've been offered everything from gold chains, pirate DVD's to a shopping bag, for 25p, from a Muslim fella. The other day a bloke appeared in the shop, crew cut, tatts, wearing a t-shirt bearing a bull-dog and a union jack. He said "have you got any union jack T-Shirts? I love owt patriotic me". Hmm.
Here's a list of the odder requests do far:
"Have you got a T-Shirt with……. On it?"
"A Horse" (?)
Blue (not the band, just a Blue t-shirt)
…. Why do I even fucking bother…?
Other news: having decided not to murder my neighbours just yet, as their own miserable lives is punishment enough, I was overjoyed to over hear a conversation between them and their landlord about the fact that they owe £400 on rent, and with any luck will be evicted sometime soon. I can only hope, and pray, that this will be the case. Please god, make it so.
Well, I may have taken many many years to get round to doing it, but I've finally grasped the capitalist dream by the scruff of the pants and gone and done it; "Dear Mr. Taxman, I am now self employed. Please take my money away".
Who`s bright idea was it to stage a Show summer special? Oh yeah, it was ours.
"We`ll definitely play," "yeah we`ll do it," These were just some of the comments I heard from various bands in the build up to staging the summer specials.
My god, the grief we suffered trying to organize things for your pleasure! Never have I been put through the rinser or been fecked from pillar to post as much as I was during this period.
Bands, or should I say band managers gave me their word, swore blind that they would come and play The Show.
Bands dropped by the wayside one after an other as we stood there, hair falling out, smoke emitting from our phones due to over use and generally waiting for Tom, Dick and Barry to get back to us.
Then, at the last minute, when things were looking grim and the storm clouds were brewing, we snatched victory from the jaws of defeat (unlike the national football team who usually do it the other way round) and called upon our old ally Dennis Hopper Choppers.
Along with Blofeld, who also stepped up to the board at the last minute, DHC saved the day and made sure that The Show faithful were, once again entertained.
Variety was also apparent on the wheels of steel where our very own P.M. Soloman Burke played an eclectic set early doors traveling heavy through country & western, swampy blues, rock & roll and a whole host of different genres for you to devour.
It was hard work getting there but we done it in the end. The minus factor sure outweighed the plus factor in the run up to the summer special but with the help of the good friends and lovely punters of The Show the plus factor was shining brightly when the fat lady sung and Elvis left the building.
Thank you all.
ps: Apologies to those who were expecting to see The Alps and a DJ set from The Lo Fidelity Allstars.
Due to circumstances beyond our control this gig was canceled at the last minute which in turn resulted in the incorrect listings being published.
The LO Fi`s will be with us soon and you can THE ALPS doing their thing at The Show on Friday 30th July with support coming from the wonderful FRANC.
Screamer on the hill were forced into an acoustic set at the last minute when there drummer was caught in a freak accident a flash flood in a waterbed shop and was unable to make it. Like the true pros they are they soldiered on and played a fantastic rocking acoustic set and were brilliant. They'll be back with a full band set soon so keep yours eyes on this site for details!
The Toy Guns were absolutely brilliant and even gave away free badges, nice, almost as nice as finishing with an encore of a rocking ska'd up version of The Cures 'Boys Don't Cry'. Wallop.
No pictures this month as the digital camera has become foolish, sorry. - PB