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John Crewdson Esq. Part 2- 'We're All Going To Die'.

I was planning to tell you all about my plans to murder my neighbours this month ( the Welsh Terror I mentioned last time), about my plans to superglue the locks on their doors and watch them slowly starve to death, or to break into their loft via mine and drip poison into their sleeping mouths (ala 'Grosse Pointe Blank').

Instead I'm going to tell you about two rather unpleasant experiences I've had of late. The first one involves a random act of violence inflicted upon myself by a total stranger (who I'll refer to as 'The Cunt'). I had been out in Blackpool with my Golf Harris colleague Paul, watching a rather good band whose name escapes me ( 'Kasino 76' or something), I was rather drunk and had decided to get some fried 'chicken' prior to getting a taxi back home. I was alone, Paul having decided to leave earlier on, munching on my food when all of a sudden some bloke ran up to me and punched me in the face! Was this some disgruntled Syd Barrett fan, annoyed at the Hirundu's version of 'Bike' recorded some 15 years previous? Or a militant vegetarian protesting at my choice of late night snack? No. It was A Cunt. One of the thousands of Cunts who come to Blackpool every year, get pissed, fail to pull and resort to punching people for no reason what so ever. The suddenness of the blow left me stunned for a moment, until I realised I now had a mouth full of blood instead of chicken, and had one front tooth missing. The Cunt had run off before I knew what had happened.

Incandescent with rage and spewing Claret l resolved to phone the police immediately. I stumbled into a near by Chinese restaurant with the intention of using their phone but a waiter turned me away, my blood spattered appearance no doubt putting the customers off their Foo Yung. I called the cops from a nearby public phone and they arrived promptly. They had no intention of going after my assailant despite my pleas that we tracked him down like a dog and dished out some 'frontier justice'. My missing tooth was nowhere to be found despite the trail of blood and the only conclusion was that I'd swallowed it, (and I never did find it 'out the other end').

This wasn't the first time I'd been set upon by 'holiday makers', the year before I got my jaw broken by some Jocks for no reason at all. That's the nature of Blackpool these days. Anyone thinking of coming next year be warned, this is a violent violent place and the cops do fuck all. So DON'T COME HERE. Go abroad. I lived in north London for 5 years, in an area rife with crack dealers, shootings and murders, but not once did I get into a fight, nor even an argument. As soon as I returned up North, a broken jaw and a missing tooth in the space of 18 months. Maybe I've got a face worth punching, or maybe this town just attracts Cunts.

Any way enough of the self-pity; apart from nearly getting killed coming back from Newcastle. We'd been to see Radiohead play live (see the music section). 'We' being most of Sinister Footwear and friends. It was a Sunday night and we left Newcastle at about midnight. We where returning to Blackpool via the scenic but treacherous A67, which cuts nearly an hour off the journey time if you take the motorway. All was going well until we got past Kirkby Stephen and then - Fog. Thick pea soupy Fog. Visibility was down to zero. We managed to get onto the motorway and then things got serious. Looking out of the front window there was nothing to be seen; only the faint glow of a cats eye on the road in front. We laughed about it at first, but them we realised we where driving on the motorway completely blind. That's when I noticed the icy chill in my bones and the sick feeling deep in my guts. We all realised that there was a very very real possibility that we could all be killed at any moment. Anything coming behind us (a huge container lorry for instance) wouldn't see us till it was too late and could plough straight into us wiping us all out in an instant. We had no idea what we where driving into. We couldn't stop, or pull over, because we had no idea where the side of the road was.

For the first time in my life I knew what it felt like to face death. Then, as quickly as it had appeared the fog vanished, much to our relief. That's when we realised we where heading the wrong way. We were going north towards Penrith, and not south towards home. Sweet home. So we had to turn round and go back into the mist, and re-live the nightmare all over again.

Now I know people drive through thick fog all the time, and compared to an emergency landing in an aeroplane, or being on a sinking ship, or being kidnapped by terrorist this was a minor incident, but I personally have never experienced those things. What I have experienced is blind panic and sickening terror first hand. A big thank you goes out to Adam Scholes, Sinister Footwear's keyboard player for getting us all back in one piece.
Mind how you go.

Pitch & Putt Debate

Welcome to the first national Pitch & Putt Debate. In the Red corner: Pitch & Putt Man Of The People, Jamie 'Citizen' Bell, in the Blue corner: The Harbinger -Voice Of The Establishment. Jimmy Doc, Patrick Kagoul and The Editor stick their two-penneth in too. Ding Ding Round One…..
Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this debate are those of the contributors and not those of Pitch and Putt Magazine. If any one is offended then we apologise and would like to suggest that you stop being so fucking soft and deal with the issues in your own life before complaining.

J Bell:
Steaming in for a late shot at Pitch & Putt person of the year, I would like to
say that Benjamin Zephaniah is the one. For not only refusing the OBE,
but by going public with his reasons he's struck a blow for humanity at
last in this god-forsaken land. His principled stance is an example to
us all and the tragic death of his cousin (whilst in Police "custody")
needs to be investigated and the perpetrators brought to justice. Also,
to the person who thought to nominate him, are you really stupid enough
to think that you could buy this man's silence by giving a colonial
award? And what possessed you to nominate him the first place when you
know damn well his political outlook and his recent campaigns against
the Iraq 'War'? The words red flag and bull spring to mind.
Benjamin Zephaniah - P&P Person of the Year.

The Harbinger:
To refuse the 'Order', is an act of stupid stupid folly. The interiors
of Buckingham Palace are an absolute treat. Wonderful state rooms and
regency opulence. The whole ceremony is a wonderful affirmation of what
it is to be part of the British Establishment. To be Benjamin Zephaniah
OBE is to no longer be the oppressed, but the oppressor. He can keep
slaves, and no longer be one.

And the Queen often does the ceremony bra-less.

Jim Doc:
I vote for Gerry Adams & Martin McGuiness, one looks like a geography teacher and the other like a clown without the make-up!

J Bell:

Betty bra-less? Urrrghhhhhh perish the thought. I'll bet that pose is on
page 3 everyday for the Scum-readers in Hell. As for an act of folly,
well all I can say to that is, to quote the man himself: "The award is
a colonial thing that reminds of the enslavement of my fore-fathers and
the mass rapes of women throughout those times. To accept it is to
embrace and legitimise slavery and I refuse to do that."

The Harbinger:
MBE's legitimise mass-rapes. OBE's do not. Let's just get that clear.

J Bell:

This is just a sober reflection of the FACT that manycities in this country (especially Bristol, Liverpool, Manchester, Preston,Carlisle and Glasgow) all benefited heavily from the slave trade. To ignore this is a classic example of the selective history that the powers that be want us lessermortals to engage in. So long as we continue with this Emu-history, we will never truly understand why every country enjoys beating us at anything, more than they enjoy victories over other countries, and why they hate us so much. The
monarchy is a throw back to these "good old days" of colonialism when "Britain ruled the world"and I for one feel totally sickened by it all. The sooner we put them up forinternational auction to the highest bidder the better. Then perhaps we might make
some money from them for a change.

The Harbinger:
Get a CBE and you can pillage, park in disabled spaces, actively
people and sell them. But an OBE is fine. He should stop being such a
joyless party-pooper.

Patrick Kagoul:
Where's your sense of national pride, fuck me you're talking like a bloody foreigner. That's not the attitude that saved our boys in ww2 at Dunkirk when the Hun was marauding his way through Europe. Look what happens when we let countries rule themselves, America, Australia they're like unruly teenagers who need to still be controlled by their strict parents.
It's in the past let it go.

J Bell:

If you're trying to engage my national pride, you'll have a long wait coz I don't have any. I had no say whatsoever about where my parents decided to fornicate and as I am a direct result of that being in England, I guess that makes me English, along with all the meatheads and BNP members with whom I wish to completely disassociate myself from. I see myself as a human being and nationality as a fraud and a sham. To be proud of one's 'nation' is exactly how big brother wants me to behave, so to that I say swivel. I'll make it up as I go along.

The Editor (Has The Final Word):

I saw a letter in the Radio Times the other week, praising the current crop of 'war time' related programs and documentaries -the writer said it was good to see programs about 'heroes' instead of the young 'hooligans' who appear on programmes like 'Big Brother'.
Hmmm. And that's the generation that made abortions and homosexuality illegal and gave us Apartheid, Nazism, Communism, and the Bomb.


Update 29.11.2003

Clare Gibb:

Whilst we are on the subject of fact and selective history, Mr Bell, a few notes:

·The African tribes were trading slaves with each other long before the white man set foot in sub-Saharan Africa. I put it to you that Mr Zephaniah is being selective with his history. This does not abnegate the British from entering into the slave trade, but equally, it cannot be argued that we were the ones to start it.

· Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of colonialism, of all the colonialists, the British were by far and away the best. When we are asked to leave we generally did. We left these countries with an infrastructure, a legal system and democracy. Compare that to the experience in the Belgian Congo, where the Belgians maimed and murdered their way out, or Algeria, where the French government actively went to war with its subjects and you will see my point.

· The fact that so many of our ex-colonies are keen to remain members of the Commonwealth does not smack of a hated nation. Where is the German Commonwealth? Where is the Belgian one? Our ex-colonies could easily tell us to bog off, and yet they have chosen not to. Indeed, it is seen as a punishment to be excluded, as is witnessed by Zimbabwe's expulsion thanks to that murdering, pillaging bastard Mugabe.

· Mr Zephaniah speaks of "the mass rapes of women throughout these times". Two notes: firstly, he does not offer any proof of his implicit assertion that it was the whites that did this; secondly, is he really arguing that the blacks would not countenance such a thing - because the Tutsis behaved impeccably towards the Hutus with great respect for life, freedom and liberty, didn't they?

· We got out of Africa because they asked us to go. They can't stand there whining because we don't go back and sort it out when they fuck it up. I have been to Kenya and it is an amazing country. There is hope there now, but the years of corruption under arap Moi were entirely the fault of the opposition parties who were just as corrupt. At some point people have to take responsibility for themselves. They fucked up. They must sort it out. Thankfully it looks like they may have in Kenya.

Mr Bell does have a point though. There are two aspects of the third world that, as human beings, we are in a position to and have a moral obligation to sort out. Rich first world countries should cancel the debt. Bush cancelled $25 million of debt, equivalent to one day's interest for the third world. A pretty poor effort I would say. Secondly, the first world governments need to start paying attention to the fact that HIV infection rates in sub-Saharan Africa are hitting the 90% mark.

Rant over. On the bright side, like the web page.

Patrick Kagoul Notes from the Frontline Part 1:"Cosmic Irony....."

For the first time in my life, without any trace of sarcasm, I uttered the words ' I want us to still be friends'. And what's more I meant it.
Unbeknown to me at the time this was a prompt for some force of universal, external, whatever you believe in, cosmic irony to start to royally take the piss. But what I didn't know is that it's like the musketeers (in a 'all for one, one for all' kind of way), as once you say those words- and mean it- it's a global free for all, with every person that you ever went out with comimg out of the woodwork and reappearing without warning or invite back into your life.

Now whether you believe in free will or determinism (and please return to your respective corners, I want a nice clean fight, no gouging, low blows or physiological questioning), this fact seems to me, when you examine the following evidence to be inexorable…

…I was on my way to the other side of the world when it first happened. Upset, heartbroken and leaving all forms of civilised culture behind - I was off to Australia -I had time to kill that drinking simply wouldn't do, so I checked my emails on a free terminal. And there it was, the first of them to appear out of the blue. Now whatever I say about this girl I have always admired her timing, and this was the piece-de-resistance.

After that the first breech it started to happen more. I was in Sydney in a bar being whatever the equivalent of the Australian Billy-no-mates is, (Bruce I guess), when I gate-crashed a conversation. The normal small talk ensued, asking where we each were from etc. only for me to recognise name of the place where one of the lads was from. When he questioned me as to how I knew this place I replied that I had gone out with a girl from there a long time ago, and had even visited it.
He asked her name…
…I asked how old he was…
…at least 5 years too young to have known her…
…he pressed the point…
…I said her name…
He went white - "That's my cousin".

Of course it is.

This to me doesn't seem like the norm. It seems like something is taking the piss. Now believe what you want, but it wasn't the only thing. Another separate ex-girlfriend, again through the joys of modern technology (oh how emails break down the barriers)…..mailed me telling me how she was in Melbourne. Coincidence? I think not. This is global stalking on an unprecedented scale.

Now this isn't always a bad thing, being a boy and like all boys I like things to be tied up; I don't like loose strings, I like endings. Most of us are brought up on sport and where there are endings: we have extra time, we have penalties, we have golden goals. We have the bell at the end of the round and one bloke standing and one bloke unconscious. We have finality. That's how we like it, most of us. Black. White. No grey. That's why I hate the ending of 'The Italian Job' (and NOT the re-make, bah). What is that 'plan' that he has? I want to know! I also hate the end to Rocky 3, when Rocky and Apollo go in for that 'friendly fight (surely an oxymoron?), as I want to see what happens, I want closure damn it. And here I am with far too much closure, more closure than I can swing a cat at, in fact once something re-opens can it be closed again?

I dunno.
It does give me the chance to atone in certain circumstances. I've missed this person a lot anyway, but some of the people are crap and that's why I didn't want to see them in the first place and now I'm stuck with some sort of virtual chat due to the effects of age and attempted politeness. Doh.

So here I am, and rounding up these random ramblings. The moral, I guess, is to be careful what you wish for as you may just get it.
Or is it?
I guess the real moral of the story is to make more of an effort to keep in touch with the people that you want to and not the ones you don't. As for all the moaning and the bizarre coincidences I'm still not in touch with the person I actually said it to, and that's the real piss take. - PK

Doc's Domain November 2003

As the cold snap sets in we can only watch in admiration as the summer sun that shone so brightly for us this year still fights to shine some more!
The many faces, both those I know and those I know not, that stepped in my line of vision through out the summer were bursting with smiles, happiness and sun blessed nirvana!
Whether it be Glastonbury, Notting Hill (Good times) or sitting in the park ala Georgie Fame, this summer proved to be one of the best of my life!
Joyous moments shared with long standing friends, future friends and loved ones, will be ones I cherish for time!

Soundtracks have proved an important part of this young fellas existence for some time now, because, after all, music is my sanctuary!
And at this juncture, please allow me to introduce myself. The height-5"10, the weight-10 stone and the name-Jim Doherty!
Why am I reading this I hear you say? Well, here is where you find out: Those quirky green keepers at Pitch & Putt Magazine have asked yours truly to pen a column for this site that you are now perusing.
This is as new to me as I'm sure I am to you, but I am willing and excited to have the opportunity to pass on some of my knowledge, views and general rhubarb to you, the most recent people to step up and tee off!

It is my duty to inform you of great nights out via the various club nights I DJ at around town, and, if you have a pocket full of change and want to purchase some blinding vinyl, hopefully I can recommend some of the floor fillers I've been spinning and various outlets where said floor fillers can be purchased.

Tunes Filling The Floor:
John Holt-Ali Baba
Marcia Griffiths-Feel Like Jumping
Black Harmony-Don`t Let It Go To Your Head
Benny Golson-I`m Always Dancing To The Beat
Archie Bell-Don`t Let Love Get You Down
The Crusaders-Street Life
Barbara Acklin-Am I The same girl
Gwen McCrea-All This Love That I`m Giving
James Mason-Sweet Power
The Jacksons-It`s Great To Be Here
Stevie Wonder-Sir Duke
Roy Ayers-Can`t You See Me
The O`Jays-I Love Music
Barry White-You`re The first, The Last...
Herbie Hancock-I Thought It Was You.

Golf Harris Bruce Lietzke (2003)

1. ropadope
2. cut me some flak
3. off the grog and on to the green
4. just like harry lambos
5. the day it rained on the moustache parade
6. unexpected german
7. not the only one
8. the happiest man on holloway
9. it's not you, it's me (it's you)
10. the fundraiser
11. the king
12. it'll be alright
all songs ©2003 pitch & putt records