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The Toy Guns: Under The Influence

Sheena Is A Punk Rocker - The Ramones. Because every time I wanna
write a song I wanna write a song like this. Its just a perfect
simple punk pop song, with any amounts of great hooks.

Happiness Is A Warm Gun - The Beatles. I really like how this tune
is really 3 tunes stuck together - much like paranoid android. And
it works. It's something I aimed at with our song no bullets no guns.

Too Much Too Young - The Specials. Could have chosen most of their
stuff really. This song though was the one that made me wanna write
ska tunes. The rhythms are really infectious and made me wanna

Bodies - The Sex Pistols. I chose this for its venom. The lyrics are
canny shocking I reckon, but great. I really love the scream of the
chorus and I'm always looking to do sommit similar but I cannae slip
it in at the mo like.

Sabotage - The Beastie Boys. Great cross over song, hip hop n punk.
It shows you that you can meld styles to great effect.

I Get Around - The Beach Boys. Pure surf pop, great singing and
catchy as hell. All you need in a tune.

Can't Stand Losing You - The Police. Really like the lyrics and feel
of this song. I took it and re-worked a bit of the lyric theme for
our song transmission.

Dreaming Of You - The Coral. Its the bass line that gets me - like
the way they nicked it from you're the one that i want from grease.
So we nicked it for one of our tunes, going mobile.

London Calling - The Clash. Really good war cry of a tune. I can
relate to this a lot. Influenced some of me own lyrics. Also like
the spiky guitars

A Forest - The Cure. Just reckon it's great the way the bass drives
the tune.

Song For My (Sugar Spun Sister) - The Stone Roses. The Stone Roses were the first band I eva got into when I were a tot. So they're the reason I wanted to be in a band. This tune was me favourite back

Jimmy Jimmy - The Undertones. All their tunes are so underrated.
People only know teenage kicks and while that's a great tune they
have so many more. Kinda similar to sheena is a punk rocker in the
way that its a perfect punk pop tune. Cham

Ian Thorp Reports From Sunny Malaysia

I love Malaysia; it’s a great place.

For one it reminds me of home - England, not Australia, despite the fact that it’s in the tropics and the temperature hardly ever drops below 30 degrees - Why? It’s the subtle little things;

The power point are the same as in the UK -there’s something reassuring about the big plug with a fuse in it; they have double yellow lines here and Marks and Spencer, this seems odd bearing in mind that:

I have no plugs that actually fit into those sockets
Double yellow lines usually equal bad thing
M&S in KL doesn’t sell prawn and mayo sarnies and seems to be the most expensive shop in the city - Armani’s cheaper than M&S!

For another its clean, modern, people are really friendly and stuff just works.

K.L.’s a really strange mix of old colonial buildings, and super modern high tech stuff like the Petronas Tower that was one of the worlds tallest building until the Taiwanese chucked up this little number: which is 509M.

The Petronas certainly one of the worlds best looking buildings which was omni-present when ever I looked out of my hotel window as they nicely upgraded me to have a champion view from the 25th floor, however if I felt like I was in Lost in Translation in Singapore the feeling was doubly so in KL as I was there all alone.

Public transport makes London transport look positively third world, well I guess that’s because it is, there’s a mono-rail system, light rail and high speed train that get you the 80KM from the airport at the speed of light, it was 2004 when I got on the train the train it was 2516 and the world was run by apes, so I took the train back to the airport, got a taxi and all was back to normal when I got back to the city.

I didn’t get much time to have a look around as I was working, I got taken on a bit a off sight-seeing by one of the guys I work with, who took me too the Islamic museum, which was pretty interesting, especially all the big swords and stuff, I didn’t see one tourist in there which was pretty cool and visited the new political district - Putra Jaya - which looked like Milton Keynes only with a huge mosque in the middle of a roundabout and the most ornate lampposts you have ever seen - which I failed to take any photos of, so you will just have to take my word for it.

I was, believe it or not stuck in a massive hail storm the first day I was there, gale force winds and hail stones the size of golf balls (which I thought was a little excessive for hail until I discovered that storms that rip up trees and telegraph poles are rare occurrences and my colleague had never even seen - ever), the eyes of the locals turned to me- seemingly I give new meaning to the term weatherman! - Was it a coincidence that every day after that, evening prayer time just happened to be just before someone gave me a lift to the station?

Got a taxi to an Irish bar to meet a colleague who lives there and obviously done an excellent job of assimilating into the community - not! Finally get to the bar and it cost me a (relative) fortune in the taxi - and I can’t believe that he hadn’t picked a closer bar, “why its only 10 minutes drive away!”
-We’ll yes maybe however my driver was obviously proud of his town and wanted to show me around - he did this by completing a full lap of the ring road surrounding the city!! Taxi drivers - all the same!!

Unfortunately no real tales of pubs this trip, however will be going back so hopefully more info for the boozy traveller then!

One last thing, I was given a copy of the Quoran, and if you want to create a stir on international flight and at immigration I suggest carrying it in your hand luggage and reading it on the plane.

Ian Thorp reports from sunny Singapore

I'm at a conference in Singapore paid for by a vendor. Five days in swanky hotel with a continuous stream of presentations on how to sell more of this vendor's equipment.

I'm not a salesman never have been. Despite that fact that the company I work is exclusively interested in making wads of cash I like to at least delude myself that my job is working for the 'greater good'- not sure for instance how helping a company rip up great tracts of land to get to the minerals below is for the greater good, but as I said - I like to delude myself.

However when the first presenter said in the first couple of minutes said '…and that will help you to make more money and after all that is what we are all here for' made me feel rather sick.

There are 500 Unix and sales people here so it's a really great fun crowd I feel like I'm Edward Norton in Fight Club when he starts going nuts in meetings, I keep getting the urge to stand up and abuse these people.

Staying at the Shangri-La apparently one of the best spots in town, its not bad, apparently it has 16 acres of gardens and a top swimming pool, not that I've had chance to enjoy them as I've been stuck inside listening to presentations on stuff I really couldn't give a monkeys about. I wake up in the morning and I'm in Lost in Translation as I open my electric curtains and stare out over a foreign city. Just to add to that feeling of disconnection from the real world the carpet in the lift has the day woven into it. I wonder who's idea it was to weave 'Tuesday' into the carpet - just in case I haven't switched the TV or read the complimentary.

One good thing is the free beer, its amazing what we will do for free beer, I was willing go to the opening of packet of crisps (not cheese and onion) if there is free beer and its not like I can't afford to buy the stuff myself - although when you're in Singapore and its US$20 a litre I'm not so sure.

Escaped the geeks and salesmen and ventured out for beer - I don't remember Singapore being quite as dodgy last time around. Also got the impression the local men are not very skilled in the kitchen -talking to one chap who'd lost a finger and when I asked him how he said it'd been with a carving knife -they really need to be more careful as I saw several guys in there with same injury maybe P&P need to expand into cooking schools for men.

Sedlec Ossuary Near Kutná Hora In The Czech Republic

Grizzly But Gripping - Yes Sir!Thems Human Bones Alright.

At some point at around 3am after losing count of Absinthe chasers I met The Devil. It was in a bar, I don't remember which, somewhere in Prague in the summer of 1999.

I was in Prague on my way through Eastern Europe in a manner, that in terms of drinking and behaviour that would be best described as 'Blitzkrieg', and apart from the lack of brown and a slight leaning to the left, in a manner that Eastern Europe hadn't experienced in 50 years. It was at this point that he, The Devil, asked me if I wanted to see a church that was made of bones.
The bones of 40,000 people.

This being an offer that you don't get everyday and with the Absinthe really kicking in at this point I accepted. With some slight trepidation.

I awoke the following morning with a bad head and a bad memory. It was one of those cases where you sit straight up in bed, recoiling in horror as your brain allows a little of the previous night to come back to you. It was here that I had remembered that I had spent a part of the evening speaking to a man that was to me, quite clearly, the Prince of Darkness about accompanying him to see a church of human bones.
Surely this must have been some horrible dream. As I stirred from my top bunk and looked down I was met by the sight of Lucifer Himself looking up at me from the bunk below and asking if I was still up for the trip to church.
Realising that this wasn't some horrible alcohol fuelled dream, or if it was, it was like an 'American Werewolf in London' and I was dreaming I was awake, I smiled politely and agreed.

So we set off, 5 of us, (including The Devil) to reach the church. Now I'm sure that you are asking yourself how I was so sure that the person in question was indeed the Dark Lord. Well, he looked like The Devil for one. Tall, skinny, long pony tail, long nails, Australian and had been a tour guide, (all I believe, pre-requisites), and on the train he said some of the sickest things that I have ever heard. Things that I cannot bring myself to repeat here. Things that truly upset me, and I am fairly hard to upset. So I guess that you'll just have to trust me on this one, unless you've ever been to this place and then you may understand.

The Ossury is in a place which sounded like, 'Cunt-Na Whore -Ah': not a good start. It's about an hour outside of Prague on a train. When you get out at the station it's time to ask some local that doesn't live in the capital and therefore doesn't speak much English, where the exact location of the church is. Try to mime 'church full of bones' to someone, it's worth double points. On arrival at the church there's a small fee to go in and you get given an information sheet, not that this in any way explains WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO MAKE A CHURCH OUT OF HUMAN BONES. The church is kinda like a normal gothic style church, however in each of the 4 corners are bells measuring the size of, say a room with a toilet in it, but not a bath or sink. Get the idea? And the rest of the place is set out like a normal church, pews, font etc. but with chandeliers that all made out of BONES. Nice. We managed about 10 minutes in the place before the overall feeling of dread became far too much and we were compelled to leave, obviously not The Devil though- he was loving it. - Patrick Kagoul

The Pitch & Putt Pitch

"Hey! You! Mr. Producer- here' some remakes for ya (seeing as your too busy tooting dust to make something original ya bastard!)."

Kill Roy - A daytime chat show descends into bloody violence. (Contains Chop Sockky).

Yo! Seventh Seal - a modern remake spoken entirely in 'Jive'.

Sleeping With The Bellamy - a steamy sex thriller set in the world of environmentalism.

Lorraine Kelly's Heroes - GMTV presenters and Nazis.

W.H.Smith Goes To Washington - life-affirming political intrigue in the stationery business.

Ice Cold In Alex - life-affirming screwball nercophiliac rom-com.

Dr. Dre-vargo - hip-hop version of the Russian epic.

The Dead Pool - with Michael Barrymore.

Yeast is Yeast - microbrewery capers.

Laurence of Arabica -Technicolor homoerotica set in the coffee business.

Jumble Fever - the W.I. get down in the 'hood'.

Three Colours: Brown - very dull remake.

Heavens, Gates! - being the comedy mishaps of the Microsoft CEO.

The T'ing - West Indian remake of the horror classic.

Shit Cargo! - glossy depression-era set musical in which dazzling cinematography is burdened with the task of carrying the films three woefully untalented co-stars.

The Patient English - a cine-verite treatment of queuing

The Pitch & Putt Guide To The Saddest Songs In The World

1. Hello, It's Me - Lou Reed & John Cale
2. These Days - Nico
3. Sorry - Galaxie 500
4. $1,000 Wedding - Gram Parsons
5. Willing To Wait - Sebadoh
6. Katy Song - Red House Painters
7. Everyday Is Like Sunday - Morrissey
8. Dear Darling - Mary Margaret O'Hara
9. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry - The Cowboy Junkies
10. If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
~Sam B.

1 - isn't it a pity - galaxie 500
2 - true love waits - radiohead
3 - i know it's over (live) - the smiths
4 - yesterday - the beatles
5 - once i was - tim buckley
6 - hello it's me - lou reed and john cale
7 - superstar - the carpenters
8 - dream operator - talking heads
9 - it's a motherfucker - the eels
10 - velouria - the pixies
11 - god only knows - the beach boys
12 - one - johnny cash
13 - say yes- elliott smith
14 - call me on the way back home - ryan adams
15 - these days - nico
~Paul B

1.Fake Plastic Trees-Radiohead,
2.Waterloo Sunset-The Kinks,
3. May This Be Love-Jimi,
4. God Only Knows-Beach Boys,
5. One-U2,
6. Flamenco Sketches-Miles Davis,
7. Friggin' in the Riggin,-The Pistols(o.k.maybe not so sad but you'ld need cheering up after all that maudling bollocks!),
8. The First Time Ever I saw Your Face-Roberta Flack,
9. A Man Needs a Maid-Niel Young,
10. Corvaire-Jim White.
11. High and Dry-Liberty X(fucking tragic!!!).
~J Sparkle

1. Wish you were here - Pink Floyd
2. Hallellujah - Jeff Buckley
3. hey, that's no way to say goodbye - Leonard Cohen
4. I break horses - Smog
5. Down by the River - Neil Young
6. Well I wonder - The Smiths
7. Asleep - The Smiths
8. Lioness - Songs: Ohia
9. Night & Day - Cole Porter (sung by Peter Skellern)
~ the Harbinger

1. parachute- nina nastasia
2. help me make it through the night - gladys night or willie nelson
3. wild horses - gram parsons
4. bright eyes - art garfunkle
5. low - because you stood still
6. tunng- a tale from black
7. Saddest Vacant Lot In All The World - granddaddy

~ John Crewdson