Grizzly But Gripping - Yes Sir!Thems Human Bones Alright.
At some point at around 3am after losing count of Absinthe chasers I met The Devil. It was in a bar, I don't remember which, somewhere in Prague in the summer of 1999.
I was in Prague on my way through Eastern Europe in a manner, that in terms of drinking and behaviour that would be best described as 'Blitzkrieg', and apart from the lack of brown and a slight leaning to the left, in a manner that Eastern Europe hadn't experienced in 50 years. It was at this point that he, The Devil, asked me if I wanted to see a church that was made of bones.
The bones of 40,000 people.
This being an offer that you don't get everyday and with the Absinthe really kicking in at this point I accepted. With some slight trepidation.
I awoke the following morning with a bad head and a bad memory. It was one of those cases where you sit straight up in bed, recoiling in horror as your brain allows a little of the previous night to come back to you. It was here that I had remembered that I had spent a part of the evening speaking to a man that was to me, quite clearly, the Prince of Darkness about accompanying him to see a church of human bones.
Surely this must have been some horrible dream. As I stirred from my top bunk and looked down I was met by the sight of Lucifer Himself looking up at me from the bunk below and asking if I was still up for the trip to church.
Realising that this wasn't some horrible alcohol fuelled dream, or if it was, it was like an 'American Werewolf in London' and I was dreaming I was awake, I smiled politely and agreed.
So we set off, 5 of us, (including The Devil) to reach the church. Now I'm sure that you are asking yourself how I was so sure that the person in question was indeed the Dark Lord. Well, he looked like The Devil for one. Tall, skinny, long pony tail, long nails, Australian and had been a tour guide, (all I believe, pre-requisites), and on the train he said some of the sickest things that I have ever heard. Things that I cannot bring myself to repeat here. Things that truly upset me, and I am fairly hard to upset. So I guess that you'll just have to trust me on this one, unless you've ever been to this place and then you may understand.
The Ossury is in a place which sounded like, 'Cunt-Na Whore -Ah': not a good start. It's about an hour outside of Prague on a train. When you get out at the station it's time to ask some local that doesn't live in the capital and therefore doesn't speak much English, where the exact location of the church is. Try to mime 'church full of bones' to someone, it's worth double points. On arrival at the church there's a small fee to go in and you get given an information sheet, not that this in any way explains WHY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE WOULD WANT TO MAKE A CHURCH OUT OF HUMAN BONES. The church is kinda like a normal gothic style church, however in each of the 4 corners are bells measuring the size of, say a room with a toilet in it, but not a bath or sink. Get the idea? And the rest of the place is set out like a normal church, pews, font etc. but with chandeliers that all made out of BONES. Nice. We managed about 10 minutes in the place before the overall feeling of dread became far too much and we were compelled to leave, obviously not The Devil though- he was loving it. - Patrick Kagoul
"Hey! You! Mr. Producer- here' some remakes for ya (seeing as your too busy tooting dust to make something original ya bastard!)."
Kill Roy - A daytime chat show descends into bloody violence. (Contains Chop Sockky).
Yo! Seventh Seal - a modern remake spoken entirely in 'Jive'.
Sleeping With The Bellamy - a steamy sex thriller set in the world of environmentalism.
Lorraine Kelly's Heroes - GMTV presenters and Nazis.
W.H.Smith Goes To Washington - life-affirming political intrigue in the stationery business.
Ice Cold In Alex - life-affirming screwball nercophiliac rom-com.
Dr. Dre-vargo - hip-hop version of the Russian epic.
The Dead Pool - with Michael Barrymore.
Yeast is Yeast - microbrewery capers.
Laurence of Arabica -Technicolor homoerotica set in the coffee business.
Jumble Fever - the W.I. get down in the 'hood'.
Three Colours: Brown - very dull remake.
Heavens, Gates! - being the comedy mishaps of the Microsoft CEO.
The T'ing - West Indian remake of the horror classic.
Shit Cargo! - glossy depression-era set musical in which dazzling cinematography is burdened with the task of carrying the films three woefully untalented co-stars.
The Patient English - a cine-verite treatment of queuing
1. Hello, It's Me - Lou Reed & John Cale
2. These Days - Nico
3. Sorry - Galaxie 500
4. $1,000 Wedding - Gram Parsons
5. Willing To Wait - Sebadoh
6. Katy Song - Red House Painters
7. Everyday Is Like Sunday - Morrissey
8. Dear Darling - Mary Margaret O'Hara
9. I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry - The Cowboy Junkies
10. If You Could Read My Mind - Gordon Lightfoot
~Sam B.
1 - isn't it a pity - galaxie 500
2 - true love waits - radiohead
3 - i know it's over (live) - the smiths
4 - yesterday - the beatles
5 - once i was - tim buckley
6 - hello it's me - lou reed and john cale
7 - superstar - the carpenters
8 - dream operator - talking heads
9 - it's a motherfucker - the eels
10 - velouria - the pixies
11 - god only knows - the beach boys
12 - one - johnny cash
13 - say yes- elliott smith
14 - call me on the way back home - ryan adams
15 - these days - nico
~Paul B
1.Fake Plastic Trees-Radiohead,
2.Waterloo Sunset-The Kinks,
3. May This Be Love-Jimi,
4. God Only Knows-Beach Boys,
5. One-U2,
6. Flamenco Sketches-Miles Davis,
7. Friggin' in the Riggin,-The Pistols(o.k.maybe not so sad but you'ld need cheering up after all that maudling bollocks!),
8. The First Time Ever I saw Your Face-Roberta Flack,
9. A Man Needs a Maid-Niel Young,
10. Corvaire-Jim White.
11. High and Dry-Liberty X(fucking tragic!!!).
~J Sparkle
1. Wish you were here - Pink Floyd
2. Hallellujah - Jeff Buckley
3. hey, that's no way to say goodbye - Leonard Cohen
4. I break horses - Smog
5. Down by the River - Neil Young
6. Well I wonder - The Smiths
7. Asleep - The Smiths
8. Lioness - Songs: Ohia
9. Night & Day - Cole Porter (sung by Peter Skellern)
~ the Harbinger
1. parachute- nina nastasia
2. help me make it through the night - gladys night or willie nelson
3. wild horses - gram parsons
4. bright eyes - art garfunkle
5. low - because you stood still
6. tunng- a tale from black
7. Saddest Vacant Lot In All The World - granddaddy
~ John Crewdson
Artist: Sinister Footwear
Track: All Creatures Great And Small
In a perfect world you'd probably be sick of this tune by now as it would have been at number one for 92 weeks. Unbelievably catchy, this instant toe tapper should be prescribed to manic-depressives. Throw away your Prozac and download it here.
Bill Cosby, yes that Bill Cosby doing 'Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band' - backed by the 103rd Street Band, famous for 'Express Yourself'. Now available to everyone on the Glass Onion - Songs of The Beatles album. As well as The Stone's Satisfaction- No really, you WONT Believe Your Ears!- Are you Crazee?? You can hear it for yourself, courtesy of Frank LaRosa here:
http://franklarosa.com/vinyl/Exhibit.jsp?AlbumID=64
