Pitch & Putt

JohnnyCeed

Well it's that time of year again, when I make rash promises to myself that will undoubtedly lead to some form of trouble. Looking back on the ones I made last year, I seem to have done quite well all in all, even snatching some form of pathetic victory at the last minute for one of them, well not a victory but some form of 3rd round F.A. cup draw at least. I had vowed to get in touch with someone that had meant an awful lot to me and had lost touch with. So a girl then…

I decided to enlist the help of a friend to drop off a present, which I had had for over a year, (it was for her 30th birthday that I missed / bottled), so a year later - it was time to try again and deliver it to her at work, or where she had worked last time I'd seen her. The only problem was it was at the Foremost American Bank at Canary Wharf in London.

Ok not so bad you say, it's fairly accessible. Yep, but.. The only problem was it was the same week Mr George W Bush had decided to visit the country.

"So you don't mind dropping this off then?" I said to my friend. "I'll sort you out some beers or something?"
- "Ok, where does it have to go?"
Canary Wharf?
Silence.

He and I had visions of him arriving at Canary Wharf…..

Security Bloke - So sir, this item is what?
My Mate - I dunno.
Security Bloke - You don't know?
My Mate - Well it's a present.
Security Bloke - For someone you know?
My Mate - Well, no actually..
Security Bloke - But you packed it yourself?
My Mate - Well, erm, no…….
Security Bloke - So Sir you have a package for someone that you don't know, containing you don't know what, from…….

Later that day I bet he still wouldn't have been able to sit down properly.

This years resolutions included giving up drinking……………….

5 days in and I'm beginning to crack.

31 years old and I must have been drinking for 15 years at least, I am Darwin's greatest creation, I am evolving, my body no longer needs food only beer. Having spent years having to counter-balance the effects of itself being polluted with chemicals of God alone knows what and having to function, to respond to ever increasingly hard tasks asked of it, my body now no longer knows how to deal with a lack of alcohol. My sleeping pattern is out of the window, my dreams are vivid and frightening. I am going through ch-ch-ch-changes I feel like these may take on some form of Kafka-esque metamorphosis. I know how Gregor Samsa must have felt. Only I am more likely to wake up as a large Orange due to the amount of Vitamin C I am consuming rather than either a giant bug or a Thin White Duke. Maybe this is what happened to Wes Brown, one day fine - the next day he's turned Orange, I'm pretty scared of this myself and to avoid it I have cut out all Cheesy Wotsits from my diet.

The real problem with giving up the booze however, is it seems to be affecting my golf. Computer golf of course (Tiger Woods PGA 2004 for the PS2), my swing seems slightly erratic and I am slicing shots off the tee. This is of course a worry, my flat mate, who is drinking, I can see getting visibly stronger with every mouthful of wine or beer consumed - whereas my play is more and more erratic, I am beginning to wince at the taste of fresh orange. This can't be the way of pros' I'm sure Bruce Lietzke would disapprove.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up drinking……….and as for the other resolutions, well I'm trying to give up swearing, our kid says that swearing only makes you look like a c**t.

JohnnyCeed

I, like the rest of the nation watched in awe and admiration as England went on to fulfil their potential and win the Rugby World Cup in Australia.
It was also with a certain amount of amazement and wonder that I followed the whole tournament, because even though I had been schooled at a normal comprehensive in a working class part of the North West of England I had never played rugby. So the intricacies of the game were a mystery to me.
I have friends that have played and love the game but to me it was always jumpers over shoulders, having baths together and egg chasing. Football was my game.

It therefore came as a surprise after the World Cup final when I climbed down from the ceiling and settled down to a much more normal hour and a half to watch Manchester United vs. Blackburn. The scary thing was that I was to be honest bored. Football just didn't cut it anymore, I know this wasn't a great match and there wasn't that much at stake but still I was bored. There seemed to be a lack of commitment, where was the huge bloke pummelling anyone into the ground for starters? Maybe all those childhood taunts from the rugby players were right; maybe football was a game for wimps.

The same thing happened in the mid week, watching the Champions League. Bored. The real test will be this w/e when I am actively looking forward to watching some club rugby. I know even less about club rugby, I know nothing. I know there are teams called Saracens and Wasps - who surely don't do too well in the winter, but I have no idea where they are from. That's how little I know. But I am looking forward to it with some excitement.

The other thing that rugby has managed is to make me proud of being English. Or to be more accurate, to give me a chance to show it. I have always been very proud of being English, there is nowhere I would rather be from. However being a football fan I am normally disgraced to be associated with English fans. As a Manchester United fan born and bred ( I come from equidistance between Manchester and Liverpool so it's one or the other and growing up in the 80's it's not a lot of fun being a Utd fan, before you all really hate me) we are a rather unpatriotic bunch. We don't really like England, well what we don't like are the typical England fans.

Utd fans sing 'are you England in disguise?' and chanted 'Argentina' after the 98 World Cup to fans from places such as Leicester and West Ham, as these are to us on a whole, the narrow minded bigots that support England and give it a bad name, and that's what we really hate. They are the ones that recently baited Alpay and screamed for him to be deported from the country, a little harsh perhaps, it is only Football. They are also the same people with their pseudo- Beckham haircuts and Burberry caps and copies of The Sun that were screaming for their hero and captain - Beckham to be lynched after the 98 World Cup. Oh how quickly we forget…What I have always been proud of at United is the lack of racism and the understanding and appreciation of the fans. At the recent Rangers match the Rangers fans were singing 'Rule Britannia, and God Save the Queen' I was moved and pleased that the Utd fans responded with boos and a stirring rendition of the old communist Spanish war song 'the red flag'. It's not that we aren't proud of our country, we aren't proud of this type of support(er).

This is what I liked and admired about Rugby, there was good natured, friendly banter, based on racial stereotypes and generalisation, but in no way meant to harm. The fans sat together, there was no trouble. These are still people from the same country and age group as the football fans so why was there no need for riot police? This point has been covered quite a lot, in the press and I hope that something is done about it, some conclusions are reached. As Rugby as well as being a very exciting sport, that we are actually world champion in, is also obviously an example on how to behave and support your country properly like a civilised person. As my flat mate pointed out to me
"Rugby is a thug's game played by gentlemen, where as football is a gentlemen's game played by thugs' maybe the same can be said of the support at national level. Me I'm off to try it as a gentleman. Now where's my jumper, I need to tie it round my shoulders.

Patrick Kagoul

Pitch & Putt

More Here

Patrick Kagoul Notes from the Frontline Part 4

Word(y) Up

The Show January 2004

Patrick Kagoul Notes from the Frontline Part 3

Book Review: Get It Off With Jono Coleman