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Doc's Domain December 2003
A saint in Sainsbury`s!
My dear, dear people of the Pitch & Puttness, where do I start this months column, at the beginning I guess! Many of you have been in this position before I assume, it's nearing the months end, pasta and carrots for breakfast, lunch and dinner! The only bit of cash you have left is a couple of coins that you want to keep hold of in case the heating gets cut off and you need the coins to vigorously rub together to create fire!
Exaggerations I know, but you kind of understand where I'm coming from, I bet some of you even start smoking roll ups around the 15th/16th of each month? The main reason being,
I'm a fool with money, always have been always will be! But then again I have to spend all my $`s on records to ensure you people have a good time...all the time!
On Saturday evening I strolled down to my local Sainsbury`s knowing full well I had minus money in my back account, took the old cheque book(remember those) with me just in case.
My cupboards were bare and they needing a little filling with the basic essentials!
My items having been zapped, I'm standing at the checkout with a facial _expression that's saying "hello, I've got no money and my card's not going to work!"
The lovely Sainsbury`s lady tells me how much my 10 items or less costs and I hand over my card. She swipes, waits and then says "hello, you've got no money and your card's not going to work!"
Anyway, I pop, punch her in the face and smash everything into a million pieces, Not really, my face burns with embarrassment and I ask if I can pay by cheque?
No, is the answer but for some unknown reason I still write the amount on the cheque!!
So there I am, at the head of an ever growing queue, holding up the whole of Hackney when all of a sudden the guy who has been patiently waiting behind me pipes up(I don't mean in a crackney Hackney sense) and says "there's nothing worse than doing your shopping and not being able to take it home with you" and suggests that I write the cheque out in his name!
Now I'm totally knocked for six with this strangers generosity, but I agree to this rather quickly, I've never known such supermarket heroics!
I can't be bothered to tell you anymore, in a nutshell Mr Robert Keefe saved my bacon and then proceeded to pay for it!
Arise Sir Robert Keefe...we owe you!
Since I was last in your face things have been going well for this slip of a boy!
November 1st saw me back on my old stamping ground at the Trafalgar Tavern down there in "historical" Greenwich, boy, what a night!
Over 200 people bouncing of the walls to some big, big tunes. It was a great feeling playing there and seeing so many old faces unifying to funk under the one roof. The gig went so well that, after one party, I have been booked for the first Saturday of each month for the whole of next year...fierce!
If you're in the area get down there on Saturday 6th December for another crate digging set from yours truly.
Big tunes from recent sets!
WHODINI-THE FREAKS COME OUT. (STILL DOING IT AFTER MORE THAN 20 YEARS, BACK WHEN ELECTRO WAS ELECTRO.)
RED ASTAIRE-FOLLOW ME. ( WICKED USE OF D`ANGELO LYRIC THAT JUST CREEPS UP AND RIPS THE SKIN OF YOUR FACE.)
DR. RUBBERFUNK-BOSSA FOR THE DEVIL. (DOES EXACTLY WHAT IT SAY`S ON THE TIN.)
THE CHI-LITES-ARE YOU MY WOMAN. (ORIGINAL BREAK LIFTED BY THAT FAT BIRD FROM DESTINY`S CHILD FOR HER MASSIVE SUMMER ANTHEM.)
CHIC-CHIC CHEER. (SAMPLE USED TO BRILLIANT EFFECT BY FATMAN SCOOP...HUGE.)
OLIVER CHEATHAM-GET DOWN SATURDAY NIGHT. (C`MON NOW, I DO PLAY ON A SATURDAY NIGHT AND PEOPLE GET DOWN, WE MAY KNOW THIS FROM A CERTAIN DEODORANT ADVERT...I LIKE TO PARTY?)
TEDDY PENDERGRASS-I DON`T LOVE YOU...(RARE GROOVE CLASSIC, REALLY DOING IT.)
HAROLD MELVIN & THE BLUENOTES-THE LOVE I LOST. (WICKED BREAK THAT OUTWEIGHS THE GRIM MESSAGE .)
THE JACKSON SISTERS- I BELIEVE IN MIRACLES. (WOW! ONLY NEEDS ONE WORD!)
SISTER SLEDGE-HE`S THE GREATEST DANCER. (MORE CHIC MAGIC.)
If you like what you read then get yourself down to The Trafalgar Tavern, Greenwich, London on 6th December, 10pm-2am.
&
Grand Central, Great Eastern Street, London on Saturday 13th December, 8pm-12am.
There's fun to be had by one and all, let's rock into Christmas and party until the bells end.
Laters funkerteers.
Patrick Kagoul Notes from the Frontline Part 2
"All I want for Christmas is some masculinity"
……is some masculinity".
I'm scared. Yesterday I found myself at work in the middle of a conversation, well two people were talking to each other with me sat in the middle, involved, but not really contributing. The thing that made me scared was that I understood the conversation fully.
I went away slightly worried only to find later in the evening that the problem was getting worse. Much worse.
The position I found myself in could be the greatest highlight of 'what was going wrong' possible. Alanis Morissette take note, this is what irony really is.
The conversation had been about 'spinning classes' and their benefits, and the different types of celebrity magazines available. Do you know what they are? If you're a girl then the chances are that you do, if you're a boy then the chances should be that you don't. Why would you? And more to the point why do I?
Here's the start of my excuses. I lived with a girl that I really loved, so as a result I actually listened to what she said and cared, rather than making the appropriate noises at the appropriate places. I was interested.
This is nice and caring and I think a good thing. However the flip side of this is that I now know about 'spinning classes' soft furnishings and a whole load of things that to be honest I shouldn't have in my head. I'm pretty convinced that there's only a certain amount of room for knowledge retention in my head and I'm scared as to what is now gone. Probably something masculine, I probably have no idea how to reverse in to a parking space or work a drill.
I went home, slightly worried and knackered, it being a Monday, sat down and too tired to be bothered to do much decided to watch some easy TV. Now here I can make no excuses, I type with one hand raised in admission of blame. There was nothing on, absolutely nothing, I tried a film but it was rubbish so I gave up. I scanned the listings. Repeatedly. I have Sky with all the channels so this was making it worse, how with so much to choose from could there be so little to watch?
So I… watched Friends.
Where had it all gone so wrong? I blamed Sky, I blamed the fact that it fitted in an inoffensive slot in the television scheduling that no one else was bothering to fill. I blamed the fact that I was too tired to switch off my television set and go out and do something less boring instead.
Drinking probably. I had always managed to do this as a child, especially when a bunch of spotty kids came on the television live from some hut in Belfast where they tried to cajole me into turning practical products into rubbish and so forth, so why not as an adult?
I don't know. And here's the pay off. The episode dealt with the male characters becoming too girly by flower arranging and having a female room mate, all with hilarious consequences.
Hilarious to them maybe, but not to me.
Having 'Friends' of all programmes highlighting this fact is too much to bare.
Now maybe I'm over reacting, maybe knowing these things makes me a better person, more rounded. I don't know. My natural instinct says 'no, this is bad'. I feel that, well I feel like I should immediately start drinking, watch some sport, preferably boxing, and then maybe go out and have a fight, come home and make something useful with power tools. Maybe a spot of hunting and / or gathering.
Is this normal? I don't know.
I wanted to discuss with my flat mate immediately, unfortunately he was studying. I was pretty certain he'd know what to do. Neither of us ever get in too much trouble, but I'd say that both of us can drink a fair amount and would both be fairly useful if we were in a situation of a fight. He'd know what to do. No one who'd watch 'Clockwork Orange'' that many times could fall foul of this. I waited till he finally emerged from his studying.
'Is there anything on the telly? Any Friends on?'
If you want me I'll be in the pub. Starting a fight.
Patrick Kagoul.
Soon to be Patty Kagoul.
……is some masculinity".
I'm scared. Yesterday I found myself at work in the middle of a conversation, well two people were talking to each other with me sat in the middle, involved, but not really contributing. The thing that made me scared was that I understood the conversation fully.
I went away slightly worried only to find later in the evening that the problem was getting worse. Much worse.
The position I found myself in could be the greatest highlight of 'what was going wrong' possible. Alanis Morissette take note, this is what irony really is.
The conversation had been about 'spinning classes' and their benefits, and the different types of celebrity magazines available. Do you know what they are? If you're a girl then the chances are that you do, if you're a boy then the chances should be that you don't. Why would you? And more to the point why do I?
Here's the start of my excuses. I lived with a girl that I really loved, so as a result I actually listened to what she said and cared, rather than making the appropriate noises at the appropriate places. I was interested.
This is nice and caring and I think a good thing. However the flip side of this is that I now know about 'spinning classes' soft furnishings and a whole load of things that to be honest I shouldn't have in my head. I'm pretty convinced that there's only a certain amount of room for knowledge retention in my head and I'm scared as to what is now gone. Probably something masculine, I probably have no idea how to reverse in to a parking space or work a drill.
I went home, slightly worried and knackered, it being a Monday, sat down and too tired to be bothered to do much decided to watch some easy TV. Now here I can make no excuses, I type with one hand raised in admission of blame. There was nothing on, absolutely nothing, I tried a film but it was rubbish so I gave up. I scanned the listings. Repeatedly. I have Sky with all the channels so this was making it worse, how with so much to choose from could there be so little to watch?
So I… watched Friends.
Where had it all gone so wrong? I blamed Sky, I blamed the fact that it fitted in an inoffensive slot in the television scheduling that no one else was bothering to fill. I blamed the fact that I was too tired to switch off my television set and go out and do something less boring instead.
Drinking probably. I had always managed to do this as a child, especially when a bunch of spotty kids came on the television live from some hut in Belfast where they tried to cajole me into turning practical products into rubbish and so forth, so why not as an adult?
I don't know. And here's the pay off. The episode dealt with the male characters becoming too girly by flower arranging and having a female room mate, all with hilarious consequences.
Hilarious to them maybe, but not to me.
Having 'Friends' of all programmes highlighting this fact is too much to bare.
Now maybe I'm over reacting, maybe knowing these things makes me a better person, more rounded. I don't know. My natural instinct says 'no, this is bad'. I feel that, well I feel like I should immediately start drinking, watch some sport, preferably boxing, and then maybe go out and have a fight, come home and make something useful with power tools. Maybe a spot of hunting and / or gathering.
Is this normal? I don't know.
I wanted to discuss with my flat mate immediately, unfortunately he was studying. I was pretty certain he'd know what to do. Neither of us ever get in too much trouble, but I'd say that both of us can drink a fair amount and would both be fairly useful if we were in a situation of a fight. He'd know what to do. No one who'd watch 'Clockwork Orange'' that many times could fall foul of this. I waited till he finally emerged from his studying.
'Is there anything on the telly? Any Friends on?'
If you want me I'll be in the pub. Starting a fight.
Patrick Kagoul.
Soon to be Patty Kagoul.