"All I want for Christmas is some masculinity"
……is some masculinity".
I'm scared. Yesterday I found myself at work in the middle of a conversation, well two people were talking to each other with me sat in the middle, involved, but not really contributing. The thing that made me scared was that I understood the conversation fully.
I went away slightly worried only to find later in the evening that the problem was getting worse. Much worse.
The position I found myself in could be the greatest highlight of 'what was going wrong' possible. Alanis Morissette take note, this is what irony really is.
The conversation had been about 'spinning classes' and their benefits, and the different types of celebrity magazines available. Do you know what they are? If you're a girl then the chances are that you do, if you're a boy then the chances should be that you don't. Why would you? And more to the point why do I?
Here's the start of my excuses. I lived with a girl that I really loved, so as a result I actually listened to what she said and cared, rather than making the appropriate noises at the appropriate places. I was interested.
This is nice and caring and I think a good thing. However the flip side of this is that I now know about 'spinning classes' soft furnishings and a whole load of things that to be honest I shouldn't have in my head. I'm pretty convinced that there's only a certain amount of room for knowledge retention in my head and I'm scared as to what is now gone. Probably something masculine, I probably have no idea how to reverse in to a parking space or work a drill.
I went home, slightly worried and knackered, it being a Monday, sat down and too tired to be bothered to do much decided to watch some easy TV. Now here I can make no excuses, I type with one hand raised in admission of blame. There was nothing on, absolutely nothing, I tried a film but it was rubbish so I gave up. I scanned the listings. Repeatedly. I have Sky with all the channels so this was making it worse, how with so much to choose from could there be so little to watch?
So I… watched Friends.
Where had it all gone so wrong? I blamed Sky, I blamed the fact that it fitted in an inoffensive slot in the television scheduling that no one else was bothering to fill. I blamed the fact that I was too tired to switch off my television set and go out and do something less boring instead.
Drinking probably. I had always managed to do this as a child, especially when a bunch of spotty kids came on the television live from some hut in Belfast where they tried to cajole me into turning practical products into rubbish and so forth, so why not as an adult?
I don't know. And here's the pay off. The episode dealt with the male characters becoming too girly by flower arranging and having a female room mate, all with hilarious consequences.
Hilarious to them maybe, but not to me.
Having 'Friends' of all programmes highlighting this fact is too much to bare.
Now maybe I'm over reacting, maybe knowing these things makes me a better person, more rounded. I don't know. My natural instinct says 'no, this is bad'. I feel that, well I feel like I should immediately start drinking, watch some sport, preferably boxing, and then maybe go out and have a fight, come home and make something useful with power tools. Maybe a spot of hunting and / or gathering.
Is this normal? I don't know.
I wanted to discuss with my flat mate immediately, unfortunately he was studying. I was pretty certain he'd know what to do. Neither of us ever get in too much trouble, but I'd say that both of us can drink a fair amount and would both be fairly useful if we were in a situation of a fight. He'd know what to do. No one who'd watch 'Clockwork Orange'' that many times could fall foul of this. I waited till he finally emerged from his studying.
'Is there anything on the telly? Any Friends on?'
If you want me I'll be in the pub. Starting a fight.
Patrick Kagoul.
Soon to be Patty Kagoul.
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