Get me to the church on time………….
Well as you read this I am probably on my way to get hitched. Yes there will soon be a Mrs Kagoul. Shocked? Me too, but I'll explain, or try.
I have a friend that I know, biblically, that is about to be kicked out of the country. She of course, wants to stay. Now the only way that she can achieve this is, yep, you guessed, she needs to be British and she isn't. Now this isn't the ideal scenario that I dreamed of throughout life but……it serves a purpose and it helps out a friend. I'm also at that age where everyone I know seems to be getting married and settled down so why not me? Just because I can't manage to get a girlfriend isn't my fault, well I suppose it is but I've tried absolutely nothing and I'm all out of ideas. Seems like if I want to keep up with the 'Naylor's' then I may have to cheat a bit.
I had hoped that I would marry for love and I have managed to have 3 serious relationships, 2 of which with people I would have married, but they have gone wrong (the girls, not the relationships) I have tried, and regular readers will know this, to get in touch with these people. I have sent emails to both of them and neither of them has replied. Now this is the thing that I always find so odd, how two people can be so close that you could appear on Mastermind with that person's life as your specialist subject and then something happens and you never speak or see each other again? I think that this is wrong, but I tried and no response, obviously I'll be sending a copy of this column to them.
So what about my future bride, just who is the 'lucky' lady? Well she has slept with two of my mates, so obviously this narrows down the choice for best man. I don't want this to be too much of a literal title. Hey, it wasn't my fault I was very drunk, I can do better. And on the down side she is Australian. I know I'm painting a bad picture, but on the plus side she is nice, we do get on really well we have a lot of fun, she really likes my friends - actually scrap that one - but she's, well I dunno, she's everything I look for in a woman. Desperate to do exactly what I want and not make my life a misery or I'll turn her over to the authorities. So you see we make the perfect couple. It's a match made in well, somewhere.
So feel free to send in your congratulations and also some presents. We, unlike most couples do not own a toaster, actually she might I have no idea, what I don't want is any fecking vegemite or any of that Australian palaver, as she now needs to be British then she will have to denounce all this in a ceremonial Kylie Minge record burning and some chips and gravy or something in the rain to prove her love for her new country.
Right now where did I put that top hat?
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