Well it's that time of year again, when I make rash promises to myself that will undoubtedly lead to some form of trouble. Looking back on the ones I made last year, I seem to have done quite well all in all, even snatching some form of pathetic victory at the last minute for one of them, well not a victory but some form of 3rd round F.A. cup draw at least. I had vowed to get in touch with someone that had meant an awful lot to me and had lost touch with. So a girl then…
I decided to enlist the help of a friend to drop off a present, which I had had for over a year, (it was for her 30th birthday that I missed / bottled), so a year later - it was time to try again and deliver it to her at work, or where she had worked last time I'd seen her. The only problem was it was at the Foremost American Bank at Canary Wharf in London.
Ok not so bad you say, it's fairly accessible. Yep, but.. The only problem was it was the same week Mr George W Bush had decided to visit the country.
"So you don't mind dropping this off then?" I said to my friend. "I'll sort you out some beers or something?"
- "Ok, where does it have to go?"
Canary Wharf?
Silence.
He and I had visions of him arriving at Canary Wharf…..
Security Bloke - So sir, this item is what?
My Mate - I dunno.
Security Bloke - You don't know?
My Mate - Well it's a present.
Security Bloke - For someone you know?
My Mate - Well, no actually..
Security Bloke - But you packed it yourself?
My Mate - Well, erm, no…….
Security Bloke - So Sir you have a package for someone that you don't know, containing you don't know what, from…….
Later that day I bet he still wouldn't have been able to sit down properly.
This years resolutions included giving up drinking……………….
5 days in and I'm beginning to crack.
31 years old and I must have been drinking for 15 years at least, I am Darwin's greatest creation, I am evolving, my body no longer needs food only beer. Having spent years having to counter-balance the effects of itself being polluted with chemicals of God alone knows what and having to function, to respond to ever increasingly hard tasks asked of it, my body now no longer knows how to deal with a lack of alcohol. My sleeping pattern is out of the window, my dreams are vivid and frightening. I am going through ch-ch-ch-changes I feel like these may take on some form of Kafka-esque metamorphosis. I know how Gregor Samsa must have felt. Only I am more likely to wake up as a large Orange due to the amount of Vitamin C I am consuming rather than either a giant bug or a Thin White Duke. Maybe this is what happened to Wes Brown, one day fine - the next day he's turned Orange, I'm pretty scared of this myself and to avoid it I have cut out all Cheesy Wotsits from my diet.
The real problem with giving up the booze however, is it seems to be affecting my golf. Computer golf of course (Tiger Woods PGA 2004 for the PS2), my swing seems slightly erratic and I am slicing shots off the tee. This is of course a worry, my flat mate, who is drinking, I can see getting visibly stronger with every mouthful of wine or beer consumed - whereas my play is more and more erratic, I am beginning to wince at the taste of fresh orange. This can't be the way of pros' I'm sure Bruce Lietzke would disapprove.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to give up drinking……….and as for the other resolutions, well I'm trying to give up swearing, our kid says that swearing only makes you look like a c**t.
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