Do you work in telesales? Does you job involve phoning people up just as they are about to eat their Tea? Well STOP FUCKING PHONING ME UP THEN YOU CUNTS!!
Ahem. Ok, so getting telephonically harassed by people selling you SHIT is nothing new, but in my house it has reached epidemic proportions. I'm beginning to wonder if this is punishment for something I did in a past life. Was I once the person who came up with the idea of junk mail? Was I once responsible for leaving stone tablets at the mouths of everyone's caves advertising "Urgo's Used Mastodons"?
I think not. However every evening I get the phone calls; "You've won a free kitchen", "Are you happy with your Electricity supplier?" "have you had an accident ?"etc. Actually I've no idea what the majority of them are flogging as the person doing the schilling seems to have English as their last-on-the-list-of-all-languages, language. I'm not being xenophobic or racist, but it does seem strange to employ someone to SELL SOMETHING, which is all about COMMUNICATION, who can't speak-a-da-lingo.
Anyway, I soon tired of screaming, "Fuck Your Kitchen", down the line and began engaging the person on the other end in polite conversation. As they are programmed to read from a script any derivation from the topic of kitchens or personal injury claims completely throws them. Ask them what they are wearing and see what happens.
I soon bored of this and have now started merely confirming my name (they usually ask for Mrs. Crewdson, the deaf cunts), and then remaining completely silent for as long as possible. To hear them rattle off their script and then desperately ask, "Hello? Hello?? Are You There???" is very amusing. Throw in some heavy breathing or feign a heart attack and these cold calls can become quite hilarious. Next time they call I'm thinking of saying something like "thank god you called, I'm being held hostage, help me! help me! aaaaarrrgh, no! no! not again, please, please, for the love of god nooooooooooooo…… yes, I'd like to make a personal injury claim please".
If any one has any other suggestions for telesales tomfoolery, please let me know.
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Highlights from the shop this week: Two old dears come in (easily in their 80's), one points to a rack of t-shirts and says "oooh look Doris - 'Fonzarelli'".
I also got into a long meaningless conversation with someone who had the most boring whiney voice in the world (what was the name of that priest in Father Ted, the one with the most boring whiney voice in the world?),which started, don't ask me how, about how rock and roll became rubbish in the sixties (?);
(image this in a heavy Lancashire dialect)
"Elvis were good until 'e came out t'army and then went rubbish doing things liyke Wuden 'Art, and all them bal-aards. I like Joan Collins me av you got er biography I've got it the first one she did not the second one that were rubbish………" etc.etc.etc.
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Things I Wished I'd Said:
Some old geezer came in asking me if I sold vests like 'this one', he said, showing me his vest.
-"What stinky old piss stained rags like that? No, fuck off and go look in a bin" I wish I'd said.
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