John Crewdson Esq. Part 4 – Sole Trader

Well, I may have taken many many years to get round to doing it, but I've finally grasped the capitalist dream by the scruff of the pants and gone and done it; "Dear Mr. Taxman, I am now self employed. Please take my money away".
After years of doing shitty jobs, and years of avoiding shitty jobs (being in a band, going to university, the Dole (ahh, remember the days when all you had to do was sign on and feign an interest in work?), I finally came to the conclusion that climbing the corporate ladder wasn't for me. Call it an 'independent spirit', or call it 'being immature' but having a boss telling what to do never sat well with me, and seeing perfectly sane people spout 'office new-speak' made me want to vomit with rage, (you know the shit people spout in meetings - if I heard one more person say "going forward", or "lets think outside the box here people", I think I would have flung myself at them, grabbed their throats and screamed "DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE SAYING? WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE IMPRESSING WITH THAT CORPORATE OFFICE CUNT SPEAK??"
So the only options I had left were,
A: To become a 'Homeless',
or B: To become a 'Self Employed'.
So, having abandoned drinking "mad white cider" years ago (see 'being on the Dole above'), I opted for plan B. But what to do? Paper-rounds don't pay well and not having a head for heights, being a window cleaner was out, so I decided to open a shop. I'd never worked in a shop before, unless you count 6 months on a Y.T.S. (those under 30: ask your parents), at a car parts shop in Fleetwood as experience, but I wasn't going to let that get in the way.

So first of all needed a name, so I asked my good friends from around the globe for suggestions. Here's what I got in return:


Crewdsons Unbelievably Naff Tatt
Vinyl Wallpaper
Wallop!
John's Not Mad
Snooper's Paradise 2
Albion Market
Brou-Ha-Ha
Truly Bazaar
Fools Gold
Alf's Mini Market
Pete's Pink Bicycle
Beard Of Satan
Bread Of Satan
Captain Jacket Shop
Kill All Tourists
Dr Johns House Of Bong
Clothing Down
The Eccles Cake Shop
Afleks Palace
Ben Afleks Palace
J-Low
Buy-Low
Aldi
Burtons
Woolworthless
J-Mart
Stanley Matthews Was Gay
The Stanley
The Palace
Yate's Wine Lodge
Blackpool Tower
6 For A Pound Yr Gas Lighter
Cabbage
Toast
Jam
Northern Fried Chicken
Can You Smell Onion?
Wheel Of Justice
Myxamtosis
Myxamt-Shirt
Cat Litter
Johns Old Tat You Don't Really Want But Will Buy Anyway

... my mum's suggestion was "A Mistake" - thanks mum.


So, as readers of this site may well know, the Pitch & Putt Shop was born (obvious really. I originally thought of opening either a book shop, a record shop, or a video shop, but, because I was in no position to compete with Waterstones or HMV, and I figured that there's no future in selling anything that can be downloaded on the internet, those options where out. So T-shirts was the thing, and, as anybody who lives in Blackpool knows, there's fuck all shops selling decent T's. Well not the kind of stuff I sell anyway.

I opened the doors to the public on the 3rd of July 2004, a Saturday, and the first thing I sold was "The horses neck", a book of Pete Townsend's poetry I got from a second hand shop years ago, I never finished reading it `cos it's absolute drivel, but a sales a sale, and to celebrate me and Paul Taylor cracked open the warm bottle of champagne he's graciously brought. I made a colossal £1.70 that day; thankfully it's got a lot better since.
Being situated on Blackpool's glorious Central Drive, (opposite "Andy's Tattoo's, Weed City and a few doors down from "Exxxxxtreme videos" (not to mention Blackpool's only Rangers FC bar 'The Union')), the shop does tend to attract weirdo's. in fact on the first day I got some cunt asking me to give HIM money! I've been offered everything from gold chains, pirate DVD's to a shopping bag, for 25p, from a Muslim fella. The other day a bloke appeared in the shop, crew cut, tatts, wearing a t-shirt bearing a bull-dog and a union jack. He said "have you got any union jack T-Shirts? I love owt patriotic me". Hmm.
Here's a list of the odder requests do far:


"Have you got a T-Shirt with……. On it?"


Will Young
Stephen Segal
Big Daddy
"A Lion"
"A Horse" (?)
Blue (not the band, just a Blue t-shirt)

…. Why do I even fucking bother…?


*******

Other news: having decided not to murder my neighbours just yet, as their own miserable lives is punishment enough, I was overjoyed to over hear a conversation between them and their landlord about the fact that they owe £400 on rent, and with any luck will be evicted sometime soon. I can only hope, and pray, that this will be the case. Please god, make it so.


No comments: